My back has been hurting. Thoracic vertebrae numbers 5 through 9 are out of place. They are poking out of my back. This means that from about where my brastrap is, up to nearly my neck, those bones are out of place. And the muscles on either side are FREAKING OUT. My spine looks twisted because the muscles on the right and left side at various points are spasming and pulling in whichever direction depending on the time of day.
So I'm in PAIN. Lots of it. And it's the worst at night, when I lie down to sleep.
When I went to the doctor, she set me up with the spine center, but I don't start therapy until next Monday. That means I have one more week of pain, until I get the spine center consult and probably deal with even MORE PAIN... that's what therapy means-- MORE PAIN until the muscles heal.
So the only way to keep this pain at bay is to take massive amounts of ibuprofen.
This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's affecting my ability to feel certain things.
My libido is just as high as ever, but I can't feel touch the same way. My body just won't respond, probably because it's pumped full of anti-swelling chemicals.
THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END.
***
On another note, the wedding dress is here, and it's lovely. It just doesn't fit me the way it fits the model in the picture... and it's too long. I'm going to need to go to a tailor. That was a mild disappointment, but the dress feels lovely! I'm excited!
I've also booked the wedding venue! July 26, here we come! 130 days to go! I'm really excited.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I know that Alan and I can handle anything together, but I also have this fear that's been drilled into me since I was a child that maybe I'll be a terrible wife. My father once told me that I would never be anything but a second wife because I just wasn't good enough.
So I have some demons going on.
Add to that the fact that I can't control the pleasure I can feel with my body, and I feel awfully trapped in this body of pain.
:(
***
And yet more sads for today:
I found this song (lyrics below if you want to follow along) and it reminded me of what happened a year ago, who I was with and what I almost doomed myself to (a life void of real love), and I'm in this sad depressed funk that is hard to shake.
I'm sad that I ever ended up in a position like that.
But now at least I know better, and I'm in a much better position now. Happies will reign.
Lyrics - "Rain" by Patty Griffin
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
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