Chess for two

We got Rock Band this weekend, and although it took me several tries to master the controller, we now have a little band. He plays drums and I play bass. It was frustrating to me at first, because I actually play the bass. The controller was much more confusing than an actual instrument.

Anyway, part of the plan was that I would play videogames with him, since that's his line of work and something he really loves... and then he'd play chess with me, because I love chess.

We played chess last night!! Actually, it was more of a tutorial thing-- I'd discuss possible moves with him and explain the strategy of what was going on. Nobody won, because we stopped playing once he started getting overwhelmed with the possibilities.

It would potentially be more fun for him if the both of us played against the computer-- cooperative games are really more his style.

YAY for chess!!

Heritage grains

So I'm doing a Nutcracker gig this weekend... Alan's coming out to see the first show tonight, and his parents (my future in-laws) are coming tomorrow to one of the shows, probably the matinee!

Also, in other news, Alan and I have discovered quinoa, a heritage grain used by the ancient Incas... it has human-compatible amino acids, real protein included INSIDE the grain! We've been having it for breakfast lately, and it's incredible... it kills hunger for hours and hours at a time, really reliable fuel.

New car smell

So, due to the random creepy guy who asked me out on the street while I was walking to work last Wednesday, I now have a car. So we have two cars now. It's an '05 Chevy Aveo, blue, automatic, used, 40,000 miles. The monthly payment works for us just fine.

I also have a new bass, one that one of the techs at work put together in his spare time, and it needs to be played so it can grow into its sound... and who better to loan it to than me?

Awesome.

Unsolicited memory

So I realize now that there were a few things that were really fucked up about the ex. The one I remembered this morning was the time when I was requested to wake him up, because he was really not good at waking up, because he had an exam or some studying to do in the morning, and I suggested that if he didn't wake up easily, I'd sprinkle cold water on him. He said he'd break up with me if I did so. And he was seriously not kidding. Talk about control and manipulation to the nth degree.

We kind of got in a fight about that, because that's no reason to break up with someone. If you truly love someone, it takes a lot more than water to make you want to break up with them. And even if you're averse to have water thrown on you, you're supposed to say something like, "I appreciate your committment to waking me up, but I don't think I'd like that very much, please don't do that." You don't just say you'd break up with a person because of water. That's like saying "if things don't go exactly the way I want, this is over..." there's give and take. It has to go BOTH people's way, not just one person's way all the damn time.

I was pissed, because what the hell was I supposed to do? If one is to expect their significant other to break it off for some COLD WATER in an attempt to wake their sorry ass up, what the hell can a person count on? Should I expect to get broken up with because I wasn't able to wake them up? Seriously.

I suppose it's a matter of incompatibilty and differing levels of maturity.

Thank god that's all over now.

New favorite song

Tangerines are hanging heavy, glowing marigolden hues
Teasing a half-pale moon
And I feel a pull to the blue-velvet dark and stars.

Pink Magnolia, blushing and coy
Savors the sun while she shines
You've got yours and I've got mine
Together we glide through the
blue-velvet dark and stars

All it takes is a little faith, and a lot of heart

Back and forth we ply these oars
They move in time and get entwined
Green with joy then gray with sorrow
Ripened fruit that falls tomorrow
Filling us with brilliance

Branches are bare with a pulse underneath
Flowering slowly inside
Your hands are warm and my body is wide
To hold all the promise of blue-velvet dark and stars

All it takes is a little faith and a lot of heart
Sweetheart

Huge Migrane

Ever since I got sick last Monday, my synesthesia has been crazy... very vivid, almost overpowering sometimes. This morning I woke up with synesthesia so rich that it showed up in my field of vision... a sure sign of a migrane.

So I stayed home from work today... slept for 6 hours, and the migrane is gone. I'm so glad.

Alan and I are going out to my folks' place in SE Ohio tomorrow and Friday, and then we'll be back in Michigan to hang out with his folks.

We've decided on a small, outdoor wedding. No bridesmaids or groomsmen, not traditional, mostly laid-back and simple. It fits us better than the whole formal hullabaloo, and really, a wedding isn't about the fuss-- it's about starting your life with the one who fits you.

I get to finally meet my sister's husband tomorrow, which is exciting.

Life is good.

Somebody Loved

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

The act of disappearing

Transitions usually call for extreme shifts in paradigm, and sometimes it means deleting content pertaining to that other life... not so in my case. It's amazing how simple things are when you're able to disclose everything to the one you trust and know that they won't take it the wrong way.

It does feel, however, that my old self does not exist anymore. The one that was sad all the time, the one who fears wrath or anger...

And one of my keys to overcoming the fear I've experienced since childhood is this song:

When I come to terms to terms with this
When I come to terms with this
When I come to terms to terms with this
My world will change for me
I haven't moved since the call came
Since the call came I haven't moved
I stare at the wall knowing on the other side
The storm that waits for me

I always felt paralyzed by the fear of the storm that would come from my father having fits of anger for seemingly no reason at all.

Then the Seated Woman with a Parasol
May be the only one you can't betray
If I'm the Seated Woman with a Parasol
I will be safe in my frame

If one can remove all care for oneself, if one can become as a painting, like that of the seated woman with a parasol, then they'll be safe in a frame and no one can hurt them. By focusing on the needs and wants of others, I was able to insulate myself from my own pain...and thereby, remain in my father's house, in a frame of his choosing. This survival technique was so effective that I spent most of my life denying myself what I really wanted, focusing on the needs and exepectations of others as a way to keep from getting hurt-- if my needs aren't made explicit, then I can't feel hurt for not getting them met-- a very sad, passive-aggressive way of dealing with needs.

I have no need for a sea view
For a sea view I have no need
I have my little pleasures
This wall being one of these

This again is about denying personal pleasures for the good of the whole, for protecting oneself against attack-- a wall is much more fortressy than a nice sea view would be.

When I come to terms to terms with this
When I come to terms with this
When I come to terms with this whip lash
of silk on wool embroidery

The old saying "he pulled the wool over their eyes" comes into play here. Imagine if that wool was embroidered so prettily with silk that you wouldn't recognize it for what it was, a lie, a sham-- what I'd been living with my whole life. My father's denial of his behavior and my subsequent denial of myself-- all a big lie, all a fake-- it is not real, and it comes as a shock to realize just how much one person can force you not to live, not to enjoy, not to care for yourself.

Then the Seated Woman with a Parasol
May be the only one you can't betray
If I'm the Seated Woman with a Parasol
I will be safe in my frame
I will be safe
In my frame
In your house
In your frame

This last set of lines makes it clear to me what I was doing-- I was following my father's script in order to avoid getting hurt, hit, emotionally abused, potentially killed-- and I don't need to follow this script anymore. I don't have to deny myself the pleasures of life that I so enjoy-- I don't have to *be* anything for anyone-- just ebing myself is powerful and exactly what they want.

I've broken through a lot of the silk-wrapped fairytale that my father fed to me about how I wasn't good enough, how I was destined to be a second wife, how I never practiced enough, how I'd never be a great musician, how I wasn't pretty enough, etc...

It's all a lie. None of it is true. I am what I am, and that is beautiful.

I will not disappear.

But my old, sad self has diasappeared -- in ways that it never could before, because those situations were remarkably similar to the one I had at home. Though I wasn't being directly abused, I was often abandoned and neglected-- and undernourished emotionally. I'm glad for the experience, because it taught me what I won't put up with. One who thinks only about oneself is not a good long-term partner, and won't make anyone very happy-- not even themselves.

Being totally selfless doesn't make one happy either-- it's finding that balance between taking care of your own needs while remaining ever cogniscent of the needs of others and working happily to fulfil their needs while reminding them of your own (which they happily fulfil and are ever cogniscent of), it's this balance that brings real happiness.

Atheist Christmas Carol

It's the season of grace coming out of the void
Where a man is saved by a voice in the distance
It's the season of possible miracle cures
Where hope is currency and death is not the last unknown
Where time begins to fade
And age is welcome home

It's the season of eyes meeting over the noise
And holding fast with sharp realization
It's the season of cold making warmth a divine intervention
You are safe here you know now

Don't forget
Don't forget I love
I love
I love you

It's the season of scars and of wounds in the heart
Of feeling the full weight of our burdens
It's the season of bowing our heads in the wind
And knowing we are not alone in fear
Not alone in the dark

Equivalent to (perhaps even better than!) flowers, he says.

We were talking about flowers and how girls expect them all the time. I said I wouldn't mind flowers from time to time, and he was curious what I'd do for him-- flowers aren't his thing.

I said I'd go for a book, movie, video game... something he can actually use, because I know that's how guys work.

So this book came last night and I handed it to him... he was shocked that I remembered that he wanted it.

Points for me! Though I do think we're a bit past the "points" stage... now that there is bling and a white dress involved... not to mention the rest of our lives. :)

This is a wonderful place to be.

<3

Once in a lifetime opportunity

This weekend was really spectacular... we went and saw Yo-Yo Ma live at the Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor. We'd been planning on this since August, and it didn't disappoint. Alan's favorite was "Le Grande Tango" by Astor Piazzolla... Mine was Gismonti's "Bodas de Prata & Quatro Cantos," a piece I'd never heard before. It was haunting and sweet.

Here's a list of the program for Saturday evening:

Program
· Schubert : Arpeggione Sonata in a minor, D. 821
· Shostakovich : Sonata in d minor, Op. 40 (1934)
· Piazzolla : Le Grand Tango (1982)
· Gismonti : Bodas de Prata & Quatro Cantos
· Franck : Sonata in A Major for Violin and Piano (trans.) (1886)

Encores
· Elgar : Salut d'amore Op. 12
· Gershwin : Prelude No. 1
· Saint Saëns : The Swan (from Carnival of the Animals)

Happier indeed :)

The closer you get, better I feel
The closer you are, more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around, better I feel
The closer you get, better you see
The closer you are, more I see
Why everyone says that I look happier
When you're around
The closer you get
Better I feel

I feel like I sparkle whenever we're together. Just his presence makes my synesthesia crackle and glow...and when we get talking about something, it's incredible and wonderful.

Just Wednesday night we celebrated our third month together by going for sushi to the same place we had our first date, and then we hit Pinball Pete's and played some DDR. And then we came home and talked while we cuddled.

Life is good. I am so happy.

Mistaken: RENT spoilers

We bought & watched RENT this weekend...

I don't like it as much as I thought I did.

I like the music, but the movie version sucked ass. Imagine my anger and frustration upon finding my two favorite songs, "Halloween" and "Goodbye Love" in the DELETED SCENES section. Good thinking, Mr. Director. Nice work. Way to ruin the movie.

The big thing that came clear for me were the innate character flaws and the absurdity of the plotline. I think if one of my buddies from college brought home a transvestite who started singing and dancing and flinging money at me, I might be ready to call the cops. I certainly wouldn't be sitting there calmly, tapping my feet to the beat.

But what really got me was the way Mimi didn't care whether she infected anyone with AIDs. Roger was holding back because he didn't want to get anyone sick, not because he was still hung up on the past. That's why he says "Another Day". But Mimi's all like, "Right now, bitches!" She doesn't seem to take into account all the people she could potentially be infecting (which is illegal, btw) and the lives she could be ruining with her reckless behavior.

And then there's Maureen, the whore to the extreme. What's all this about "this is just the way I am, I'm a flirt, I'm hot, I like attention from anyone and you need to not be so controlling." Excuse me, but wanting a committed, monogamous relationship is not controlling. If Maureen doesn't have the ability to love and commit to just one person, then she ought to be left to her own polyamorous, non-committal devices-- without Joanne or Mark.

What I did enjoy about the movie was the way they exploited the medium to bring more depth to the environments. The musical takes place on a black, bare, minimalistic stage, so the actors/singers have to verbally share everything that's going on. There are no (well, very few) props in RENT proper. But with the movie, they were able to give context to the scenes, and I particularly liked the dream sequence in the "Tango Maureen"-- it was an excellent visual portrayal of the conflict being felt by Mark and Joanne.

I didn't really like the way some of the songs were turned into speech, and I hated the way some of the lines were omitted altogether.

I must say, I like the soundtrack in its original form. I enjoyed the fact that most of the voices/faces were original cast members-- that made it really HOT-- I got to see IDINA MENZEL and TAYE DIGGS, etc, LIVE!!! Fuckin' sweet. I also thought that the actress they had for Mimi this time around sounded less like a crackwhore-- a good choice, IMO.

So I guess I don't like RENT very much. It's unrealistic. It glorifies bad behavior and poor life choices. It vilifies Benny, who seems to have been trying to help his starving artist friends out, and they just took advantage of him and then made fun of him behind his back (or to his face, as the case may be). There's a flaw with the Bohemian lifestyle... someone's getting taken advantage of, and the Bohemians seem to see nothing wrong with that. It's flawed.

Camera

The story of the camera is simple.

On our first date, Alan and I went to go get sushi-- I'd never had it before, and I was kind of excited. I wasn't sure that this was a date, given my emotional state at the time-- I'd just had a very emotional breakup, broken engagement, you know, kind of rough, and I wasn't sure about trusting anyone. The trust issue was especially significant, given that I'd had a really bad date only a week before this date with Alan-- my worst bad date ever, involving a dude who wanted to go over his BDSM checklist on the first date and then showed up to my apartment later with a dozen assorted roses, trying to "win me back" when I'd specifically stated that I didn't want to see him ever again. It was a harrowing experience.

But the date with Alan went quite well, there was plenty to converse about, and after the sushi we went for a walk in my brand-new town (I'd only moved in 2 weeks prior, which is exactly when I recieved the okcupid message from Alan).

On the walk, I discovered this incredible little spiderweb with water droplets suspended in it... it was tucked away behind some bushes, and the only way I knew to look for it was because I *heard* it. My synesthesia gives me interesting talents, and one of those things is hearing objects sometimes. Alan was impressed with my gift for finding interesting things to look at (an invaluable skill for an artist and environment designer), and we basically had a good time that night.

About a week and half later, we'd agreed to meet up on a Sunday and have a picnic... I was hungover pretty badly from an Apprentice party where Ben was mixing drinks... I loved the piscola that Ben had acquired a taste for while in Mexico on a student exchange trip, and I kept up with him drink for drink because it all tasted so good. Ben's 6'3", so that wasn't such a good idea.

But I decided to meet with Alan anyway, didn't want to cancel on him... and it rained so hard that day that we had the picnic inside.

And when he arrived, he said, "I have something for you," and handed me a red-wrapped box with this written on it:

For Mel:
The world is a mob of personalities
Each crafted froma deluge of variables
And in such a world, uniqueness becomes regular
And the true battle is not one of originality
But instead, of compatibility
And as most personalities struggle to be similar
Very few resolve to be authentic
Because true compatibility-- a real connection
Is a rare thing
Both lucky
And random
Which is why I value so much
What I've discovered in you
__________________________

Gift

Though while I can relate with you
Somethings I can not see
But if you're willing
I'd love to try
And perhaps this can help you show me.

I opened the wrapper, and you already know it's going to be a camera, but I had no clue at the time, and I was positively flabbergasted... no one had ever bought me a camera before, and it's a logical progression-- I see all kinds of things in my head, and often those things make it easy to see the bauty in the everyday world, so why not give me a camera so I can capture what my mind's eye helps me find?

I love this camera... I take at least one photo each day, and I love even more that it reminds me of Alan everytime I take a photo.

<3

Reflection

These are girls from my high school class. Kelsey, Jessica, Lisa, and Kris. Kris is holding what I think is Lisa's baby girl, Amalyia. Jessica had her baby, Ella Reese Estes (she got married last October) just a few weeks ago. I'm so glad I got out of that town... there really was nothing for me there.



This was me today on my walk home from work-- still no car! That'll change when we move to a town that's between our two towns, so we can both keep our jobs and commute only 30 minutes a day to our respective careers. Alan's a user experience designer for a software company... thinking seriously about environmental design for videogames, and definitely planning to make his own videogame someday. Game theory is pretty sweet.

Today I was given new tasks at work. Not only am I the bass test player and quality control inspector, I am now the new cello test player and final inspector for the low-end cellos! I spent all day training, and I'm a natural, they say. It will take me a long time at first, but it's not really too hard for me... this is what I was born to do. It feels like this is my calling, this is what all my skills combine together to make me good at. Seriously. Making instruments sound good-- and these low-end, student models are the ones that need it the most, IMO, because a student won't progress without a well-set-up instrument... no matter how much it costs. My job is saving the world one instrument at a time!

Here are some photos from yesterday:

Right before the rain fell:



Nice droplet juxtaposition:



A macro of that shot:



Drops with taillights reflected:


Story of the camera to come later!

Noir Desir: Lost

Cats, Chess

We got a new kitten a month or so ago... her name is Ophelia.



Now, Hunter, Alan's cat of 5 years or so, wasn't too fond of this change at first...but he warmed up to her eventually. Now he looks so happy all the time!



One more photo of me getting my ass kicked in chess by Ben, the local chess wizard at work. Sometimes we'll go over the games move by move (we write down every move so we can study the games), and this week I won a game against Anne, the violin test player (she loves chess too!) by using the principles I uncovered in one of my "study sessions" with Ben last week.



Overall, things are really going well at the job-- I love what I do, my coworkers are awesome... I'm loving life.

Tuesday was the happiest day of my life!

July 26, 2008

I just found this song last night.

This song actually describes the whole of that loss-- I was sadly mistaken on many counts. And the parts about being numb, dropping things, bumping into things, they were true for the first month or so. But I don't feel such a loss now. I feel whole, I feel excited about the future, and I can't wait to begin my married life with my actual soulmate.



It's funny how things just fall apart when they're not meant to be-- but when they are meant to be, neither wild horses could drag you away from one another. It's amazing how simple things are when you find the one who was made for you.

So I suppose that all my railing against the thought that love conquers all was misplaced. Love does conquer all, but only when it's real, true love, and only when both partners can express their love in ways that the other needs, and only if there is a true committment to one another. Otherwise, it's not going to last very long. Love is more important than passion... not that passion isn't a vital ingredient, it is, but passion alone masquerading as love will not be able to go the distance.

These are valuable life lessons.