Don't ever settle for the next best thing.

"I learned the hard way that they all say things you want to hear."

All guys are susceptible to the whole "play the game to get in her pants" game-- they are wired for it, and society tells them if they buy the right things, say the right things and do the right things on the right days you'll get the girl and those little things will keep her happy so you'll get to keep her.

Valentine's Day chocolate, birthday perfume, and if you botch things up, give her a sparkly ring to put on her finger and she'll forget about the way you've hurt her and she'll be happy just to have her MRS degree-- finally.

Fuck that.

Every once in a while there's a guy who isn't in it for the game, he's in it for a real partner because he can BE a real partner, give and take and give some more-- just the way you do.

Don't settle for the fairy tales that have the women as these vapid, thoughtless pretty arm candies that don't go after their dreams. You may have to argue with your man to get where you want to be. You may have to say how you feel even if it causes him a little pain to see you cry. Work toward rationality and clear, complete openness in all your interactions, and you'll get a partner that does anything as long as it works for both of you.

Fuck the "love is enough" stuff. Hard work is enough. Love goes a long way, but compatibility and compassion are more important than the antiquated notion of "true love". Thinking and working together, and then loving each other no matter what, those are things that make it last, those are the things you'll count on and hold on to for the rest of your lives. The bubbles of "falling in love" fade naturally, because it's all hormones intended to get you to mate and reproduce ASAP. Real love comes later, comes with the struggles and the conversations and the compromises and the unwavering conviction that you will do whatever it takes, because it's worth it, and because your partner will never ask you to do what you cannot do. You won't give up because it isn't fun.

Sorry, that wasn't fair. But really. That's true.

One of my more cynical married friends says: "You can be happy, or you can be married. Happiness is overrated."

The Mormon church says: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

Neither of these sentiments are it. You CAN be happy-- you have to work for it. BOTH OF YOU. Happiness is also a state of mind, so you can, if you choose to, ignore the trivialities sometimes (like undone chores even though they were promised to be done) and focus on the big picture, the good things you won't find anywhere else.

Some things aren't okay to ignore, like a partner who doesn't respect your time by being late all the time, or incompatible sexual styles, or a lack of emotional connectivity, or irritations caused by trivialities that would cause one partner to threaten to dump the other (leaving the fridge door open, cold water for waking one up, making a mess of the counter in the kitchen, etc). If your partner makes you feel bad for being who you are, or wants to change you, or can't fulfil your needs as they are, you need to consider a change of scenery.

Everyone deserves to have someone who is crazy about them, who will weather the storms and potholes of life with them without ridiculing their every move.

Like for me, someone who is as focused on my dreams as they are on their own (meaning they have difinitive goals and dreams, not just vast unused piles of intellect) is incredibly important to me. I once described it as having a "wife" -- but I don't mean I want someone subordinate to me, it means I want someone EQUAL to me, someone to support me equally, the way I support them. And I have it, and I see now that I should have never settled for less.

***

I'm finally to the point where I see where I failed in the past, how I was wrong too-- I wasn't really ready to settle down because I had to go wherever I could find a job-- I wasn't landed yet in my career, and it's not fair to expect someone else to be there for you if you're still figuring out your path in life. This goes both ways, all ways-- that's where both parties went wrong, once upon a time.

I also was obviously not as connected as I made myself out to be, if I could react to a breakup with a drunken escapade... I was apparently still playing the field, no matter what my heart said. I know that I have apologized for that, but it's very clear to me that I was wrong, on a break or not, and I'm sincerely sorry. **shrug** Live and learn. No harm done, really, but I understand how much that would hurt a person.

The fun memories are nice, they're just that-- good memories. I learned a long time ago that the memories are all we get to carry with us, and they're simply super-good photos that bring back the emotions encapsulated within the remembered moments. I'll have those for the rest of my life, all of them. And they're already getting covered with better memories, lasting good feelings... when you hit that place where you don't have to wonder what would happen if you just showed your grumpy side, where you don't have to worry that the other person will up and leave you if it's not "fun" anymore... where you know you can ask anything and potentially get what you want.

I just want to take my own share of the blame in all of this-- I haven't been fair in my one-sided tirades, and I just want to put this down. Two people have to be in the same place if they want to go forward together. I was in a different place, and it wasn't fair for me to push. Having dreams shattered may hurt, but I appreciate the knowledge and emotional XP the experiences gave me. Pain makes one stronger, and I'm grateful for that rollercoaster. I sure as hell know what I don't want, now that I know the properties of what was unknown (due to limited channels of communication) until the very end.

That's another warning sign, if you can be closer to someone when you're not dating than when you are dating... that sends a clear signal that the connection is better friends-only, because at least one of the parties likely has trouble being comfortable with real intimacy. Boundaries like "friends" open some people up because the intimacy is less invasive-- people who are super-private sometimes behave this way.

Anyway, this ended up being super-stream-of-consciousness... this is my roundabout apology. I'm sorry for what I did wrong, for breaking your heart. I'll never love you the same way, but you're right, the old love stays in the memories, and whomever you date never leaves you, never ever. Thanks for the memories. I'm closing the door on this topic, so wanted to get it out now.

***



Head under water,
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while.
The breathing gets harder, even I know that.

You made room for me but it’s too soon to see,
If I’m happy in your hands.
I’m unusually hard to hold on to.

Blank stares at blank pages.
No easy way to say this.
You mean well, but you make this hard on me.

I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one, you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's,
Make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I'm not gonna write you to stay.
If all you have is leaving,
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today.
Today.

I learned the hard way,
That they all say things you want to hear.
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you,
And your twisted words, your help just hurts.
You are not what I thought you were.
Hello to high and dry.

Convinced me to please you.
Made me think that I need this too.
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am.

I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one, you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's,
Make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I'm not gonna write you to stay.
If all you have is leaving,
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today.

Promise me you'll leave the light on,
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone.
'Cause I believe there's a way you can love me because I say,

I won't write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this.
Is that why you wanted a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one you see.
I’m not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I’m not gonna write you to stay.
If your heart is nowhere in it,
I don’t want it for a minute.
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that there's a reason to,
Write you a love song today.
Today.

LOVE THIS

Can't believe I didn't like this song in college...

AWESOME

I HATE THIS SONG

Bastard

I've had this song in my head when I try to sleep at night. It rocks!

Then there's this one:



I can finally listen to Ben Folds without dying inside. Part of me was really angry that my favorite band could get ruined like that, by just sharing it with someone I cared so much about who obviously is unable to love or care about anyone but himself. He's more like his sister than he thinks. He's basically a selfish asshole who doesn't have his shit together yet.

***

I've been really super sick this past week, starting Tuesday. Yesterday I tried to take a shower and go to work, but I fell down in the shower and I was apparently screaming because the shower made my head hurt --- excruciating pain. So Alan took me to the doctor and they pricked my finger to test for blood sugar and gave me a shot in the butt to help with the nausea. They figured from my culture that I didn't have the flu, but it did look like I had a mild UTI from my urine sample. They gave me some huge anti-biotic horse pills to take over the next 3 days, and then a handful of tiny anti-emetic pills to take every four hours as needed. I think I finally don't need them anymore.

So I slept all day yesterday, and most of today. I hope I can go to work tomorrow.

Perfect- Alanis

This song made me cry so HARD when I first heard it. My parents were just like this, without really being conscious of it... the way they were raised (abusive parents also) and their Mormon faith made them feel like they were doing a good job, but they've done lasting damage to myself and my siblings.

I've worked hard on moving past all of that, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

I have serious issues with men because of the way I was treated by my father and other men in the church...

But I'm past that when I get treated fairly. I can think rationally for myself, an achievement I only obtained 3 years ago. I'm an anti-Christian, anti-Mormon, reverse racist (I'm white), feminist (in a fair way), rational, logical, humanistic, nuts-and-bolts kind of thinker. I love chess because it helps me strengthen my problem solving skills.

But I have a huge amount of anger for people who don't treat others fairly. That usually gets aimed toward men who are disenfranchising women, even just with their language. It's a man's world, and if they put women down enough, then both sides get disenfranchised. It's hard to stand by and watch that sort of thing happen. But I can't let it compromise my own happiness, so I have to pick my battles. My father is one thing. A random stranger is meaningless.



Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

Goodbye, TWC

So.

There has been a lot of stress in my life lately... my job sucks.

And the place I used to go for my fill of e-drama has kind of soured for me.

So. New pledge: no dramas. Live life to its fullest, don't let the assholes get to you.