I booked the wedding venue last week... it's a gorgeous university gardens place, we'll be outdoors by a lake (we booked the auditorium just in case it rains)... the ceremony will be simple, immediate family only, one of Alan's friends will be the officiant, it'll be simple and non-religious, because we aren't. If anything, "secular humanism" describes our school of thought best. Agnosticism is all well and good, but it doesn't say anything about what you are *for.* I'm about the goodness of human beings, and making life better for other humans, "afterlife" be damned.
The reception will be afterwards at his parents' farm, just extended family + wedding folks. It'll be a barbecue, grill-out thing.
My dress came two weeks ago!! I need to find shoes and then I need to get it hemmed, but it's gorgeous! Very clean and simple... I could wear it again if I wanted to!
I need to go to Michael's and get the flowers-- reds, lots of reds. Since we don't have bridesmaids or groomsmen, the flowers will be simple. I'll do them myself! I should also think about favors.
We need to order our rings... he wants a titanium ring, specifically a style called "bumblebee" because it's symbolic of my name... he's so adorable! And I'll get a small 2mm titanium one, since the engagement ring is 4 mm already.
His mom is going to go with me to get my dress fitted-- I love her so much! She's like a genuine mom to me, and I think she's great! She will be very helpful in 5 years when the kidlets come along... until then, she's just so sweet and nice-- not the kind of MIL you have to fight with, methinks. And Alan says she loves me too, so we're all good.
I'm also actively looking for another job-- the premise of my current job is awesome, but my sup is making it increasingly difficult to enjoy myself. **sighs** Oh well.
The wedding is rolling along! I can't wait, but honestly it feels like we're already married and have been for quite some time... when you fit together as well as we do, it's hard to feel scared about the future. We can talk through anything, and we both genuinely care about each other and show it regularly.
Life rocks!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Rainy sad day
Today is rough.
My back has been hurting. Thoracic vertebrae numbers 5 through 9 are out of place. They are poking out of my back. This means that from about where my brastrap is, up to nearly my neck, those bones are out of place. And the muscles on either side are FREAKING OUT. My spine looks twisted because the muscles on the right and left side at various points are spasming and pulling in whichever direction depending on the time of day.
So I'm in PAIN. Lots of it. And it's the worst at night, when I lie down to sleep.
When I went to the doctor, she set me up with the spine center, but I don't start therapy until next Monday. That means I have one more week of pain, until I get the spine center consult and probably deal with even MORE PAIN... that's what therapy means-- MORE PAIN until the muscles heal.
So the only way to keep this pain at bay is to take massive amounts of ibuprofen.
This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's affecting my ability to feel certain things.
My libido is just as high as ever, but I can't feel touch the same way. My body just won't respond, probably because it's pumped full of anti-swelling chemicals.
THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END.
***
On another note, the wedding dress is here, and it's lovely. It just doesn't fit me the way it fits the model in the picture... and it's too long. I'm going to need to go to a tailor. That was a mild disappointment, but the dress feels lovely! I'm excited!
I've also booked the wedding venue! July 26, here we come! 130 days to go! I'm really excited.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I know that Alan and I can handle anything together, but I also have this fear that's been drilled into me since I was a child that maybe I'll be a terrible wife. My father once told me that I would never be anything but a second wife because I just wasn't good enough.
So I have some demons going on.
Add to that the fact that I can't control the pleasure I can feel with my body, and I feel awfully trapped in this body of pain.
:(
***
And yet more sads for today:
I found this song (lyrics below if you want to follow along) and it reminded me of what happened a year ago, who I was with and what I almost doomed myself to (a life void of real love), and I'm in this sad depressed funk that is hard to shake.
I'm sad that I ever ended up in a position like that.
But now at least I know better, and I'm in a much better position now. Happies will reign.
Lyrics - "Rain" by Patty Griffin
It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
My back has been hurting. Thoracic vertebrae numbers 5 through 9 are out of place. They are poking out of my back. This means that from about where my brastrap is, up to nearly my neck, those bones are out of place. And the muscles on either side are FREAKING OUT. My spine looks twisted because the muscles on the right and left side at various points are spasming and pulling in whichever direction depending on the time of day.
So I'm in PAIN. Lots of it. And it's the worst at night, when I lie down to sleep.
When I went to the doctor, she set me up with the spine center, but I don't start therapy until next Monday. That means I have one more week of pain, until I get the spine center consult and probably deal with even MORE PAIN... that's what therapy means-- MORE PAIN until the muscles heal.
So the only way to keep this pain at bay is to take massive amounts of ibuprofen.
This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's affecting my ability to feel certain things.
My libido is just as high as ever, but I can't feel touch the same way. My body just won't respond, probably because it's pumped full of anti-swelling chemicals.
THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END.
***
On another note, the wedding dress is here, and it's lovely. It just doesn't fit me the way it fits the model in the picture... and it's too long. I'm going to need to go to a tailor. That was a mild disappointment, but the dress feels lovely! I'm excited!
I've also booked the wedding venue! July 26, here we come! 130 days to go! I'm really excited.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I know that Alan and I can handle anything together, but I also have this fear that's been drilled into me since I was a child that maybe I'll be a terrible wife. My father once told me that I would never be anything but a second wife because I just wasn't good enough.
So I have some demons going on.
Add to that the fact that I can't control the pleasure I can feel with my body, and I feel awfully trapped in this body of pain.
:(
***
And yet more sads for today:
I found this song (lyrics below if you want to follow along) and it reminded me of what happened a year ago, who I was with and what I almost doomed myself to (a life void of real love), and I'm in this sad depressed funk that is hard to shake.
I'm sad that I ever ended up in a position like that.
But now at least I know better, and I'm in a much better position now. Happies will reign.
Lyrics - "Rain" by Patty Griffin
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
If I could have spoken to the me from a year ago:
I would have told her to stop looking for joy where there was none.
I would have told her that no matter how much it might hurt physiologically, mentally, physically, to lose a love with whom you've seen the future-- that pain goes away. It won't kill you. To go into that future with only potential joy, not real, visceral joy, that is a fate worse than death. It would have been a constant struggle, and now you know.
Teaching drains you. It may not be the best course of action for you right now in your life. Private teaching is where you excel. Think about that, not public school teaching. Your skills will be better utilized in a less public forum.
The pain does ease. Even when you can feel your heart breaking in your chest, even when it hurts to breathe because you're so sad, this pain will go away. You don't need anyone to fill that void. Unless they happen to be "the one."
I'm less than a year out from the events that scarred me emotionally, and I can go weeks without being reminded. This is the worst time for me, I'm coming up on one-year anniversaries of bad events and I am the kind of person that relives the past year in her head. Not healthy, and I'm breaking the cycle a little at a time... but I'm aware that this could be a very bad (irrational) few months. Just knowing this will make it easier to relegate to the "irrational" category and make coping easier.
... I would have given her a hug and told her she could cry all she wanted, that she needed to let people in and let them help her carry her grief.
Things are so much better now! The wedding date is set for the original date, July 26, 2008. We have a venue and guest list set... I ordered the dress today!
Current Music: Celine Dion -- "I Drove All Night"
(Not feeling sad or nostalgic at all-- this song has new meaning now)
I would have told her that no matter how much it might hurt physiologically, mentally, physically, to lose a love with whom you've seen the future-- that pain goes away. It won't kill you. To go into that future with only potential joy, not real, visceral joy, that is a fate worse than death. It would have been a constant struggle, and now you know.
Teaching drains you. It may not be the best course of action for you right now in your life. Private teaching is where you excel. Think about that, not public school teaching. Your skills will be better utilized in a less public forum.
The pain does ease. Even when you can feel your heart breaking in your chest, even when it hurts to breathe because you're so sad, this pain will go away. You don't need anyone to fill that void. Unless they happen to be "the one."
I'm less than a year out from the events that scarred me emotionally, and I can go weeks without being reminded. This is the worst time for me, I'm coming up on one-year anniversaries of bad events and I am the kind of person that relives the past year in her head. Not healthy, and I'm breaking the cycle a little at a time... but I'm aware that this could be a very bad (irrational) few months. Just knowing this will make it easier to relegate to the "irrational" category and make coping easier.
... I would have given her a hug and told her she could cry all she wanted, that she needed to let people in and let them help her carry her grief.
Things are so much better now! The wedding date is set for the original date, July 26, 2008. We have a venue and guest list set... I ordered the dress today!
Current Music: Celine Dion -- "I Drove All Night"
(Not feeling sad or nostalgic at all-- this song has new meaning now)
Sunday, March 02, 2008
New Favorite Song
Where can a sick man go
When he can't choke down the medicine the old doc knows
A specialist came to town, but he stays at home
Sayin', "No one knows, so I don't"
Honey, when in Rome
Where can a teacher go
Wherever she thinks people need the things she knows
Hey those books you gave us look good on the shelves at home
And they'll burn warm in the fireplace
Teacher, when in Rome
Grab a blanket, sister
We'll make smoke signals
Bring some new blood
It feels like we're alone
Grab a blanket, brother
So we don't catch cold
From one another
I wonder if we're stuck in Rome
Where can a dead man go
The question with an answer only dead men know
But I'm gonna bet they never really feel at home
If they spent a lifetime learning
How to live in Rome
***
To me, this song embodies a gripping dramatization of mounting romantic disappointment that builds with real raw sonic youth.
All those ideas you have about how the world ought to work? The happy, egalitarian dreams that plagued your adolescence? Guess what, that's not how the world works. The world is a nasty, hell-bent place, and you will get hurt at least a couple times in your lifetime.
I love the lyrics of this song, but even more, I love the infectious melody-- it makes me want to dance and strut about like a chicken... it's so FUN!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
