If I could have spoken to the me from a year ago:

I would have told her to stop looking for joy where there was none.

I would have told her that no matter how much it might hurt physiologically, mentally, physically, to lose a love with whom you've seen the future-- that pain goes away. It won't kill you. To go into that future with only potential joy, not real, visceral joy, that is a fate worse than death. It would have been a constant struggle, and now you know.

Teaching drains you. It may not be the best course of action for you right now in your life. Private teaching is where you excel. Think about that, not public school teaching. Your skills will be better utilized in a less public forum.

The pain does ease. Even when you can feel your heart breaking in your chest, even when it hurts to breathe because you're so sad, this pain will go away. You don't need anyone to fill that void. Unless they happen to be "the one."

I'm less than a year out from the events that scarred me emotionally, and I can go weeks without being reminded. This is the worst time for me, I'm coming up on one-year anniversaries of bad events and I am the kind of person that relives the past year in her head. Not healthy, and I'm breaking the cycle a little at a time... but I'm aware that this could be a very bad (irrational) few months. Just knowing this will make it easier to relegate to the "irrational" category and make coping easier.

... I would have given her a hug and told her she could cry all she wanted, that she needed to let people in and let them help her carry her grief.

Things are so much better now! The wedding date is set for the original date, July 26, 2008. We have a venue and guest list set... I ordered the dress today!

Current Music: Celine Dion -- "I Drove All Night"
(Not feeling sad or nostalgic at all-- this song has new meaning now)