Looking up

I figured out how to move past this "failure" feeling.

I wake up every morning at the same time as my husband, make coffee for both of us, take a shower right away. Then I make a list of what housework needs to be done, and come up with dinner for that night. I do the housework right away, then reward myself with something fun.

For 2 hours I search for jobs and send out applications, and once all of this is done, I go grocery shopping if I need to.

I end up feeling very productive and successful-- and I have a 2nd interview with a company this week.

And with the extra time off, I've been pampering myself and trying to shake the pain. The pain has been very bad lately, but I'm doing ok.

5 months

His death has changed the way I measure time. I still cry at this picture, I still curse the universe for leaving my sister alone when she had been so happy-- she had found her one and only, and then he was swept up by the hands of fate.

Already, though, I find I'm able to live a little more freely. I'm chained less to the sadness, I cry less, I'm less crippled by the sorrow and despondence that accompanied the tragedy.

I can only hope it gets better.

And I hope I can still be a beacon of hope to my sister even as the sadness fades from me.