The act of disappearing

Transitions usually call for extreme shifts in paradigm, and sometimes it means deleting content pertaining to that other life... not so in my case. It's amazing how simple things are when you're able to disclose everything to the one you trust and know that they won't take it the wrong way.

It does feel, however, that my old self does not exist anymore. The one that was sad all the time, the one who fears wrath or anger...

And one of my keys to overcoming the fear I've experienced since childhood is this song:

When I come to terms to terms with this
When I come to terms with this
When I come to terms to terms with this
My world will change for me
I haven't moved since the call came
Since the call came I haven't moved
I stare at the wall knowing on the other side
The storm that waits for me

I always felt paralyzed by the fear of the storm that would come from my father having fits of anger for seemingly no reason at all.

Then the Seated Woman with a Parasol
May be the only one you can't betray
If I'm the Seated Woman with a Parasol
I will be safe in my frame

If one can remove all care for oneself, if one can become as a painting, like that of the seated woman with a parasol, then they'll be safe in a frame and no one can hurt them. By focusing on the needs and wants of others, I was able to insulate myself from my own pain...and thereby, remain in my father's house, in a frame of his choosing. This survival technique was so effective that I spent most of my life denying myself what I really wanted, focusing on the needs and exepectations of others as a way to keep from getting hurt-- if my needs aren't made explicit, then I can't feel hurt for not getting them met-- a very sad, passive-aggressive way of dealing with needs.

I have no need for a sea view
For a sea view I have no need
I have my little pleasures
This wall being one of these

This again is about denying personal pleasures for the good of the whole, for protecting oneself against attack-- a wall is much more fortressy than a nice sea view would be.

When I come to terms to terms with this
When I come to terms with this
When I come to terms with this whip lash
of silk on wool embroidery

The old saying "he pulled the wool over their eyes" comes into play here. Imagine if that wool was embroidered so prettily with silk that you wouldn't recognize it for what it was, a lie, a sham-- what I'd been living with my whole life. My father's denial of his behavior and my subsequent denial of myself-- all a big lie, all a fake-- it is not real, and it comes as a shock to realize just how much one person can force you not to live, not to enjoy, not to care for yourself.

Then the Seated Woman with a Parasol
May be the only one you can't betray
If I'm the Seated Woman with a Parasol
I will be safe in my frame
I will be safe
In my frame
In your house
In your frame

This last set of lines makes it clear to me what I was doing-- I was following my father's script in order to avoid getting hurt, hit, emotionally abused, potentially killed-- and I don't need to follow this script anymore. I don't have to deny myself the pleasures of life that I so enjoy-- I don't have to *be* anything for anyone-- just ebing myself is powerful and exactly what they want.

I've broken through a lot of the silk-wrapped fairytale that my father fed to me about how I wasn't good enough, how I was destined to be a second wife, how I never practiced enough, how I'd never be a great musician, how I wasn't pretty enough, etc...

It's all a lie. None of it is true. I am what I am, and that is beautiful.

I will not disappear.

But my old, sad self has diasappeared -- in ways that it never could before, because those situations were remarkably similar to the one I had at home. Though I wasn't being directly abused, I was often abandoned and neglected-- and undernourished emotionally. I'm glad for the experience, because it taught me what I won't put up with. One who thinks only about oneself is not a good long-term partner, and won't make anyone very happy-- not even themselves.

Being totally selfless doesn't make one happy either-- it's finding that balance between taking care of your own needs while remaining ever cogniscent of the needs of others and working happily to fulfil their needs while reminding them of your own (which they happily fulfil and are ever cogniscent of), it's this balance that brings real happiness.