This made me cry... the happy kind.

My sister in law made this for us... she is so sweet!

Halloween

Growth as a Musician

I've been teaching a beginner class on Saturdays--

1: 5-year-old boy violinist
1: 6-year-old boy violinist
1: 11-year-old girl cellist
1: 15-year-old boy bassist

All of the above are from the same family. They have 8 kids and one due Dec 7. Happy family!

And then I have one more:

1: 11-year-old cellist.

They are all beginners... and it is so much fun! I'm learning not to fail boat quite so much, I'm learning to map out my time and save my time and make sure they get essential knowledge... now I just need to add the element of fun!

I'm teaching lessons to the oldest three from this class, as well as a 16-year-old girl bassist. It's a lot of fun for me to see them grow and learn new things in just a half an hour.

***

I've also expanded my "free rehearsals" to the Dexter Community Orchestra, as well as the Ypsilanti Symphony. I find the music more challenging, and the people are much nicer. My role is now one of being the one with knowledge to share. I know a lot about the pieces and the performance styles, as well as technical skills, and I can pass that on to my fellow bassists. I love this role for now, and it will help me get in shape and become a "real" bassist who practices her part until it is perfect.

I've really been lax in my personal development, and all these things I've been doing lately are helping me to grow into myself more.

I love life.

Grieving

Last night was the viewing. When we got to the funeral home, we saw the condition of the body, and his face was so swollen and old-man looking from all the swelling his brain had taken... his mother started crying so hard, so they decided we needed to close the casket.

I almost had to leave when I saw him like that. I was having a very difficult time, but Alan had me, and my mom found me and walked outside with us and recounted the story of the accident, how the only part of Michael that sustained any injuries was his head. Both sides of his skull were fractured-- the car rolled 2 times, and every time it rolls, the car compacts, and it was compacting tighter around his head because he was so tall. His brain stem had disconnected from his spine, so if they had been able to keep him alive, he would have been vegetable. Natalie made the decision to turn off the life support, and she finds comfort in the thought that he is still with her, watching over her.

My great aunt Nola came over and told the story, since she had been in the room as Michael died-- she told how when the red light came on, that she could feel his spirit so strongly all around Natalie (like a hug, I like to think) and Nola could also feel the presence of our grandma and grandpa hart (the grandpa who just passed 3 weeks ago). Now, I don't believe the whole "when someone dies the veil gets thin and there is a party with all the spirits who have passed and they welcome the new one home" bullshit. But it is comforting to think that Michael's essence was attempting to hug Natalie, to comfort her and say goodbye.

So those stories made me feel better, we went back into the building and stood by the entrance, greeting people as they came in and directing traffic. I was feeling okay, Alan was right there to make sure I was ok, and then we decided maybe to leave, so we went into the room with the casket and Natalie... and I saw how overwhelmed she was with the number of people.

So I decided to stand there with her for a while. Michael's sister Kelsy was standing with her, and I came over and stood on her other side, Alan right next to me. That's what helped me the most, being able to be right there for her, and being able to be there for the other people who knew and loved and missed and grieved for Michael.

The hardest part was not being so close to the departed. The hardest part was hearing my sister's sobs, as though her heart was breaking, every time someone very close to her and Michael came through the line. I wish I could take all that pain away from her. She is so strong right now, and people keep telling her that, but she doesn't feel strong. She did such a good job. I'm glad I could be there for her, and for the others, to share some of the burden of the grief with them.

Alan and I left when it ended, and we went and found a wonderful sushi place to drown our sorrows with. I am having trouble sleeping right now because I'm so sad. I'm so lucky that my love is still alive. My parents see the way he is with me and feel so grateful and blessed that I have someone like him in my life.

Natalie found the man of her dreams, too, and now he's gone. And you just don't get a second chance with things like that-- they don't make them very often, and the odds just aren't in her favor. And now is not the time for another love, anyway... poor thing. She is speaking at the funeral tomorrow (this morning). I suppose I should go lie down and try to relax a bit.

Thank you for listening, internet.

Death in the family

I was meaning to share these photos. Now this will be the last chance I'll get.

Go to "proofs" and type "hess" in the password box.

The woman is my sister, Natalie. The man is her late husband, Michael Scott Hess. They were married one month and 4 days ago, and he passed away yesterday morning at 6:15AM MST. I was driving to work and my mother called to say Michael had been in a car accident, where the car he was driving rolled over 2.5 times, and he was in critical condition in hospital in Ogden, UT. Both sides of his brain were swollen, but they couldn't put a shunt in because his lungs were both bruised and he wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I let my mom go, hoping that if he could make it through today, maybe he could get a shunt put in tomorrow-- he'd have some BD but would be alive still.

I called my sister Nichole, since I'd heard that she and her husband Jeff were with Natalie there at the hospital. I asked how Natalie was, Nichole said she was doing well, and I started talking about how Michael could make it if he could last today.

"No, no, Mel," she said. "What?" I said, confused. "He can still make it."

"No, Mel, he died 5 minutes ago. Natalie's in there with him."

And all I could say was "OK" ...

I can't believe it.

What would I do? I've only been married 2.3 months myself! What will she do now? They were perfect together, they were going to have such a great life together-- he was sweet and charming and wonderful for her, and he was going to be a choral conductor when he grew up. They were going to laugh and love and have children, and he had JUST gotten a promotion at work, so he could pay rent all by himself for them.

What will she do?

I'm going nuts here. I'm crocheting a blanket for her, it's all I can think of... I've never crocheted before but hell, it's all I can do.

I tried to find a card at the store and they're all wrong. All of them. This is SO SAD and I find myself willing to give up my own life just to have him back for her.

How could this happen?

Healing

So I just bought the new Alanis album.

I love it.

And, you'll be glad to know that the songs that used to make me cry don't have that effect any longer. The past is staying in the past, the heart has finally healed, and a new year is taking up where the one before last scarred me.

I tend to be influenced by the year prior. Without fail, the past year will remind me what happened on that date and I am usually doomed to repeat those emotions.

So the multiple breakups and failed engagements that led to the demise of a single failed relationship had been plaguing me-- up til now.

Now the camera has refreshed, NOW the memories are not so fresh. The lessons have been learned and I am letting go with these songs -- enjoy.

I used to feel this way, and I finally can remember without feeling pain.

Madness


Torch


Simple Together


Not As We


And this one still makes me cry if I'm tired enough:

Goodbye My Lover

Married for reals!

Meet the new Mrs. Dennis!

New favorite song!

One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived
And I'll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done

One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Honeymooned

RAWKED!

Icky cold

I have this massive sinus headache and scratchy throat-- and we leave in a day for the honeymoon!

How awesome is that!!

I should really be in bed, but I can't find it in me to just lie down and waste this time-- silly me.

Just Married!

We got married Wednesday night, 6/11/08 at 7:00 PM at a friend's house-- he and his wife were witnesses, and a friend with officiant capabilities read us some vows and helped us sign the papers.

Disney World next week! No work, no homework, just unlimited alone time!

I've never been to Florida, let alone Disney World, so it will be an exciting new experience!

P.S. Married life is just a calmer version of engaged life. I'm so much less worried and nervous. I know he's not going anywhere. I mean, I knew that already, but now I really am not worried.

It's nice to be calm.

New favorite song

There's something ethereal about Landon Pigg's "Falling in Love in a Coffeeshop"... I linked to the original video because embedding is disabled on it, and I really love the tone of the original video. That cellist is pretty good.

It's just, I have memories of what it's like to fall in love in a coffeeshop. It's a great tune, and it describes the way I feel about my future husband... we'd need to call it a "sushi bar," but it's an amazing feeling when the first date goes well. Sometimes it goes so well that you know you're going to love them (and they'll love you back the same way) for the rest of your life, and so you do.

Love is wonderful. It doesn't conquer all, but it is essential.

Enjoy.

Some kind of fairytale...

I booked the wedding venue last week... it's a gorgeous university gardens place, we'll be outdoors by a lake (we booked the auditorium just in case it rains)... the ceremony will be simple, immediate family only, one of Alan's friends will be the officiant, it'll be simple and non-religious, because we aren't. If anything, "secular humanism" describes our school of thought best. Agnosticism is all well and good, but it doesn't say anything about what you are *for.* I'm about the goodness of human beings, and making life better for other humans, "afterlife" be damned.

The reception will be afterwards at his parents' farm, just extended family + wedding folks. It'll be a barbecue, grill-out thing.

My dress came two weeks ago!! I need to find shoes and then I need to get it hemmed, but it's gorgeous! Very clean and simple... I could wear it again if I wanted to!

I need to go to Michael's and get the flowers-- reds, lots of reds. Since we don't have bridesmaids or groomsmen, the flowers will be simple. I'll do them myself! I should also think about favors.

We need to order our rings... he wants a titanium ring, specifically a style called "bumblebee" because it's symbolic of my name... he's so adorable! And I'll get a small 2mm titanium one, since the engagement ring is 4 mm already.

His mom is going to go with me to get my dress fitted-- I love her so much! She's like a genuine mom to me, and I think she's great! She will be very helpful in 5 years when the kidlets come along... until then, she's just so sweet and nice-- not the kind of MIL you have to fight with, methinks. And Alan says she loves me too, so we're all good.

I'm also actively looking for another job-- the premise of my current job is awesome, but my sup is making it increasingly difficult to enjoy myself. **sighs** Oh well.

The wedding is rolling along! I can't wait, but honestly it feels like we're already married and have been for quite some time... when you fit together as well as we do, it's hard to feel scared about the future. We can talk through anything, and we both genuinely care about each other and show it regularly.

Life rocks!

Rainy sad day

Today is rough.

My back has been hurting. Thoracic vertebrae numbers 5 through 9 are out of place. They are poking out of my back. This means that from about where my brastrap is, up to nearly my neck, those bones are out of place. And the muscles on either side are FREAKING OUT. My spine looks twisted because the muscles on the right and left side at various points are spasming and pulling in whichever direction depending on the time of day.

So I'm in PAIN. Lots of it. And it's the worst at night, when I lie down to sleep.

When I went to the doctor, she set me up with the spine center, but I don't start therapy until next Monday. That means I have one more week of pain, until I get the spine center consult and probably deal with even MORE PAIN... that's what therapy means-- MORE PAIN until the muscles heal.

So the only way to keep this pain at bay is to take massive amounts of ibuprofen.

This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's affecting my ability to feel certain things.

My libido is just as high as ever, but I can't feel touch the same way. My body just won't respond, probably because it's pumped full of anti-swelling chemicals.

THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END.

***

On another note, the wedding dress is here, and it's lovely. It just doesn't fit me the way it fits the model in the picture... and it's too long. I'm going to need to go to a tailor. That was a mild disappointment, but the dress feels lovely! I'm excited!

I've also booked the wedding venue! July 26, here we come! 130 days to go! I'm really excited.

I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I know that Alan and I can handle anything together, but I also have this fear that's been drilled into me since I was a child that maybe I'll be a terrible wife. My father once told me that I would never be anything but a second wife because I just wasn't good enough.

So I have some demons going on.

Add to that the fact that I can't control the pleasure I can feel with my body, and I feel awfully trapped in this body of pain.

:(

***

And yet more sads for today:





I found this song (lyrics below if you want to follow along) and it reminded me of what happened a year ago, who I was with and what I almost doomed myself to (a life void of real love), and I'm in this sad depressed funk that is hard to shake.

I'm sad that I ever ended up in a position like that.

But now at least I know better, and I'm in a much better position now. Happies will reign.

Lyrics - "Rain" by Patty Griffin

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

If I could have spoken to the me from a year ago:

I would have told her to stop looking for joy where there was none.

I would have told her that no matter how much it might hurt physiologically, mentally, physically, to lose a love with whom you've seen the future-- that pain goes away. It won't kill you. To go into that future with only potential joy, not real, visceral joy, that is a fate worse than death. It would have been a constant struggle, and now you know.

Teaching drains you. It may not be the best course of action for you right now in your life. Private teaching is where you excel. Think about that, not public school teaching. Your skills will be better utilized in a less public forum.

The pain does ease. Even when you can feel your heart breaking in your chest, even when it hurts to breathe because you're so sad, this pain will go away. You don't need anyone to fill that void. Unless they happen to be "the one."

I'm less than a year out from the events that scarred me emotionally, and I can go weeks without being reminded. This is the worst time for me, I'm coming up on one-year anniversaries of bad events and I am the kind of person that relives the past year in her head. Not healthy, and I'm breaking the cycle a little at a time... but I'm aware that this could be a very bad (irrational) few months. Just knowing this will make it easier to relegate to the "irrational" category and make coping easier.

... I would have given her a hug and told her she could cry all she wanted, that she needed to let people in and let them help her carry her grief.

Things are so much better now! The wedding date is set for the original date, July 26, 2008. We have a venue and guest list set... I ordered the dress today!

Current Music: Celine Dion -- "I Drove All Night"
(Not feeling sad or nostalgic at all-- this song has new meaning now)

New Favorite Song

Where can a sick man go
When he can't choke down the medicine the old doc knows
A specialist came to town, but he stays at home
Sayin', "No one knows, so I don't"
Honey, when in Rome

Where can a teacher go
Wherever she thinks people need the things she knows
Hey those books you gave us look good on the shelves at home
And they'll burn warm in the fireplace
Teacher, when in Rome

Grab a blanket, sister
We'll make smoke signals
Bring some new blood
It feels like we're alone

Grab a blanket, brother
So we don't catch cold
From one another
I wonder if we're stuck in Rome

Where can a dead man go
The question with an answer only dead men know
But I'm gonna bet they never really feel at home
If they spent a lifetime learning
How to live in Rome

***

To me, this song embodies a gripping dramatization of mounting romantic disappointment that builds with real raw sonic youth.

All those ideas you have about how the world ought to work? The happy, egalitarian dreams that plagued your adolescence? Guess what, that's not how the world works. The world is a nasty, hell-bent place, and you will get hurt at least a couple times in your lifetime.

I love the lyrics of this song, but even more, I love the infectious melody-- it makes me want to dance and strut about like a chicken... it's so FUN!

Don't ever settle for the next best thing.

"I learned the hard way that they all say things you want to hear."

All guys are susceptible to the whole "play the game to get in her pants" game-- they are wired for it, and society tells them if they buy the right things, say the right things and do the right things on the right days you'll get the girl and those little things will keep her happy so you'll get to keep her.

Valentine's Day chocolate, birthday perfume, and if you botch things up, give her a sparkly ring to put on her finger and she'll forget about the way you've hurt her and she'll be happy just to have her MRS degree-- finally.

Fuck that.

Every once in a while there's a guy who isn't in it for the game, he's in it for a real partner because he can BE a real partner, give and take and give some more-- just the way you do.

Don't settle for the fairy tales that have the women as these vapid, thoughtless pretty arm candies that don't go after their dreams. You may have to argue with your man to get where you want to be. You may have to say how you feel even if it causes him a little pain to see you cry. Work toward rationality and clear, complete openness in all your interactions, and you'll get a partner that does anything as long as it works for both of you.

Fuck the "love is enough" stuff. Hard work is enough. Love goes a long way, but compatibility and compassion are more important than the antiquated notion of "true love". Thinking and working together, and then loving each other no matter what, those are things that make it last, those are the things you'll count on and hold on to for the rest of your lives. The bubbles of "falling in love" fade naturally, because it's all hormones intended to get you to mate and reproduce ASAP. Real love comes later, comes with the struggles and the conversations and the compromises and the unwavering conviction that you will do whatever it takes, because it's worth it, and because your partner will never ask you to do what you cannot do. You won't give up because it isn't fun.

Sorry, that wasn't fair. But really. That's true.

One of my more cynical married friends says: "You can be happy, or you can be married. Happiness is overrated."

The Mormon church says: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

Neither of these sentiments are it. You CAN be happy-- you have to work for it. BOTH OF YOU. Happiness is also a state of mind, so you can, if you choose to, ignore the trivialities sometimes (like undone chores even though they were promised to be done) and focus on the big picture, the good things you won't find anywhere else.

Some things aren't okay to ignore, like a partner who doesn't respect your time by being late all the time, or incompatible sexual styles, or a lack of emotional connectivity, or irritations caused by trivialities that would cause one partner to threaten to dump the other (leaving the fridge door open, cold water for waking one up, making a mess of the counter in the kitchen, etc). If your partner makes you feel bad for being who you are, or wants to change you, or can't fulfil your needs as they are, you need to consider a change of scenery.

Everyone deserves to have someone who is crazy about them, who will weather the storms and potholes of life with them without ridiculing their every move.

Like for me, someone who is as focused on my dreams as they are on their own (meaning they have difinitive goals and dreams, not just vast unused piles of intellect) is incredibly important to me. I once described it as having a "wife" -- but I don't mean I want someone subordinate to me, it means I want someone EQUAL to me, someone to support me equally, the way I support them. And I have it, and I see now that I should have never settled for less.

***

I'm finally to the point where I see where I failed in the past, how I was wrong too-- I wasn't really ready to settle down because I had to go wherever I could find a job-- I wasn't landed yet in my career, and it's not fair to expect someone else to be there for you if you're still figuring out your path in life. This goes both ways, all ways-- that's where both parties went wrong, once upon a time.

I also was obviously not as connected as I made myself out to be, if I could react to a breakup with a drunken escapade... I was apparently still playing the field, no matter what my heart said. I know that I have apologized for that, but it's very clear to me that I was wrong, on a break or not, and I'm sincerely sorry. **shrug** Live and learn. No harm done, really, but I understand how much that would hurt a person.

The fun memories are nice, they're just that-- good memories. I learned a long time ago that the memories are all we get to carry with us, and they're simply super-good photos that bring back the emotions encapsulated within the remembered moments. I'll have those for the rest of my life, all of them. And they're already getting covered with better memories, lasting good feelings... when you hit that place where you don't have to wonder what would happen if you just showed your grumpy side, where you don't have to worry that the other person will up and leave you if it's not "fun" anymore... where you know you can ask anything and potentially get what you want.

I just want to take my own share of the blame in all of this-- I haven't been fair in my one-sided tirades, and I just want to put this down. Two people have to be in the same place if they want to go forward together. I was in a different place, and it wasn't fair for me to push. Having dreams shattered may hurt, but I appreciate the knowledge and emotional XP the experiences gave me. Pain makes one stronger, and I'm grateful for that rollercoaster. I sure as hell know what I don't want, now that I know the properties of what was unknown (due to limited channels of communication) until the very end.

That's another warning sign, if you can be closer to someone when you're not dating than when you are dating... that sends a clear signal that the connection is better friends-only, because at least one of the parties likely has trouble being comfortable with real intimacy. Boundaries like "friends" open some people up because the intimacy is less invasive-- people who are super-private sometimes behave this way.

Anyway, this ended up being super-stream-of-consciousness... this is my roundabout apology. I'm sorry for what I did wrong, for breaking your heart. I'll never love you the same way, but you're right, the old love stays in the memories, and whomever you date never leaves you, never ever. Thanks for the memories. I'm closing the door on this topic, so wanted to get it out now.

***



Head under water,
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while.
The breathing gets harder, even I know that.

You made room for me but it’s too soon to see,
If I’m happy in your hands.
I’m unusually hard to hold on to.

Blank stares at blank pages.
No easy way to say this.
You mean well, but you make this hard on me.

I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one, you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's,
Make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I'm not gonna write you to stay.
If all you have is leaving,
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today.
Today.

I learned the hard way,
That they all say things you want to hear.
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you,
And your twisted words, your help just hurts.
You are not what I thought you were.
Hello to high and dry.

Convinced me to please you.
Made me think that I need this too.
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am.

I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one, you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's,
Make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I'm not gonna write you to stay.
If all you have is leaving,
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today.

Promise me you'll leave the light on,
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone.
'Cause I believe there's a way you can love me because I say,

I won't write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this.
Is that why you wanted a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one you see.
I’m not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I’m not gonna write you to stay.
If your heart is nowhere in it,
I don’t want it for a minute.
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that there's a reason to,
Write you a love song today.
Today.

LOVE THIS

Can't believe I didn't like this song in college...

AWESOME