Don't ever settle for the next best thing.

"I learned the hard way that they all say things you want to hear."

All guys are susceptible to the whole "play the game to get in her pants" game-- they are wired for it, and society tells them if they buy the right things, say the right things and do the right things on the right days you'll get the girl and those little things will keep her happy so you'll get to keep her.

Valentine's Day chocolate, birthday perfume, and if you botch things up, give her a sparkly ring to put on her finger and she'll forget about the way you've hurt her and she'll be happy just to have her MRS degree-- finally.

Fuck that.

Every once in a while there's a guy who isn't in it for the game, he's in it for a real partner because he can BE a real partner, give and take and give some more-- just the way you do.

Don't settle for the fairy tales that have the women as these vapid, thoughtless pretty arm candies that don't go after their dreams. You may have to argue with your man to get where you want to be. You may have to say how you feel even if it causes him a little pain to see you cry. Work toward rationality and clear, complete openness in all your interactions, and you'll get a partner that does anything as long as it works for both of you.

Fuck the "love is enough" stuff. Hard work is enough. Love goes a long way, but compatibility and compassion are more important than the antiquated notion of "true love". Thinking and working together, and then loving each other no matter what, those are things that make it last, those are the things you'll count on and hold on to for the rest of your lives. The bubbles of "falling in love" fade naturally, because it's all hormones intended to get you to mate and reproduce ASAP. Real love comes later, comes with the struggles and the conversations and the compromises and the unwavering conviction that you will do whatever it takes, because it's worth it, and because your partner will never ask you to do what you cannot do. You won't give up because it isn't fun.

Sorry, that wasn't fair. But really. That's true.

One of my more cynical married friends says: "You can be happy, or you can be married. Happiness is overrated."

The Mormon church says: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

Neither of these sentiments are it. You CAN be happy-- you have to work for it. BOTH OF YOU. Happiness is also a state of mind, so you can, if you choose to, ignore the trivialities sometimes (like undone chores even though they were promised to be done) and focus on the big picture, the good things you won't find anywhere else.

Some things aren't okay to ignore, like a partner who doesn't respect your time by being late all the time, or incompatible sexual styles, or a lack of emotional connectivity, or irritations caused by trivialities that would cause one partner to threaten to dump the other (leaving the fridge door open, cold water for waking one up, making a mess of the counter in the kitchen, etc). If your partner makes you feel bad for being who you are, or wants to change you, or can't fulfil your needs as they are, you need to consider a change of scenery.

Everyone deserves to have someone who is crazy about them, who will weather the storms and potholes of life with them without ridiculing their every move.

Like for me, someone who is as focused on my dreams as they are on their own (meaning they have difinitive goals and dreams, not just vast unused piles of intellect) is incredibly important to me. I once described it as having a "wife" -- but I don't mean I want someone subordinate to me, it means I want someone EQUAL to me, someone to support me equally, the way I support them. And I have it, and I see now that I should have never settled for less.

***

I'm finally to the point where I see where I failed in the past, how I was wrong too-- I wasn't really ready to settle down because I had to go wherever I could find a job-- I wasn't landed yet in my career, and it's not fair to expect someone else to be there for you if you're still figuring out your path in life. This goes both ways, all ways-- that's where both parties went wrong, once upon a time.

I also was obviously not as connected as I made myself out to be, if I could react to a breakup with a drunken escapade... I was apparently still playing the field, no matter what my heart said. I know that I have apologized for that, but it's very clear to me that I was wrong, on a break or not, and I'm sincerely sorry. **shrug** Live and learn. No harm done, really, but I understand how much that would hurt a person.

The fun memories are nice, they're just that-- good memories. I learned a long time ago that the memories are all we get to carry with us, and they're simply super-good photos that bring back the emotions encapsulated within the remembered moments. I'll have those for the rest of my life, all of them. And they're already getting covered with better memories, lasting good feelings... when you hit that place where you don't have to wonder what would happen if you just showed your grumpy side, where you don't have to worry that the other person will up and leave you if it's not "fun" anymore... where you know you can ask anything and potentially get what you want.

I just want to take my own share of the blame in all of this-- I haven't been fair in my one-sided tirades, and I just want to put this down. Two people have to be in the same place if they want to go forward together. I was in a different place, and it wasn't fair for me to push. Having dreams shattered may hurt, but I appreciate the knowledge and emotional XP the experiences gave me. Pain makes one stronger, and I'm grateful for that rollercoaster. I sure as hell know what I don't want, now that I know the properties of what was unknown (due to limited channels of communication) until the very end.

That's another warning sign, if you can be closer to someone when you're not dating than when you are dating... that sends a clear signal that the connection is better friends-only, because at least one of the parties likely has trouble being comfortable with real intimacy. Boundaries like "friends" open some people up because the intimacy is less invasive-- people who are super-private sometimes behave this way.

Anyway, this ended up being super-stream-of-consciousness... this is my roundabout apology. I'm sorry for what I did wrong, for breaking your heart. I'll never love you the same way, but you're right, the old love stays in the memories, and whomever you date never leaves you, never ever. Thanks for the memories. I'm closing the door on this topic, so wanted to get it out now.

***



Head under water,
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while.
The breathing gets harder, even I know that.

You made room for me but it’s too soon to see,
If I’m happy in your hands.
I’m unusually hard to hold on to.

Blank stares at blank pages.
No easy way to say this.
You mean well, but you make this hard on me.

I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one, you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's,
Make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I'm not gonna write you to stay.
If all you have is leaving,
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today.
Today.

I learned the hard way,
That they all say things you want to hear.
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you,
And your twisted words, your help just hurts.
You are not what I thought you were.
Hello to high and dry.

Convinced me to please you.
Made me think that I need this too.
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am.

I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one, you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's,
Make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I'm not gonna write you to stay.
If all you have is leaving,
I’m gonna need a better reason to write you a love song today.

Promise me you'll leave the light on,
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone.
'Cause I believe there's a way you can love me because I say,

I won't write you a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one you see.
I'm not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this.
Is that why you wanted a love song,
'Cause you asked for it,
'Cause you need one you see.
I’m not gonna write you a love song,
'Cause you tell me it's make or breaking this.
If you’re on your way,
I’m not gonna write you to stay.
If your heart is nowhere in it,
I don’t want it for a minute.
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that there's a reason to,
Write you a love song today.
Today.

LOVE THIS

Can't believe I didn't like this song in college...

AWESOME

I HATE THIS SONG

Bastard

I've had this song in my head when I try to sleep at night. It rocks!

Then there's this one:



I can finally listen to Ben Folds without dying inside. Part of me was really angry that my favorite band could get ruined like that, by just sharing it with someone I cared so much about who obviously is unable to love or care about anyone but himself. He's more like his sister than he thinks. He's basically a selfish asshole who doesn't have his shit together yet.

***

I've been really super sick this past week, starting Tuesday. Yesterday I tried to take a shower and go to work, but I fell down in the shower and I was apparently screaming because the shower made my head hurt --- excruciating pain. So Alan took me to the doctor and they pricked my finger to test for blood sugar and gave me a shot in the butt to help with the nausea. They figured from my culture that I didn't have the flu, but it did look like I had a mild UTI from my urine sample. They gave me some huge anti-biotic horse pills to take over the next 3 days, and then a handful of tiny anti-emetic pills to take every four hours as needed. I think I finally don't need them anymore.

So I slept all day yesterday, and most of today. I hope I can go to work tomorrow.

Perfect- Alanis

This song made me cry so HARD when I first heard it. My parents were just like this, without really being conscious of it... the way they were raised (abusive parents also) and their Mormon faith made them feel like they were doing a good job, but they've done lasting damage to myself and my siblings.

I've worked hard on moving past all of that, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

I have serious issues with men because of the way I was treated by my father and other men in the church...

But I'm past that when I get treated fairly. I can think rationally for myself, an achievement I only obtained 3 years ago. I'm an anti-Christian, anti-Mormon, reverse racist (I'm white), feminist (in a fair way), rational, logical, humanistic, nuts-and-bolts kind of thinker. I love chess because it helps me strengthen my problem solving skills.

But I have a huge amount of anger for people who don't treat others fairly. That usually gets aimed toward men who are disenfranchising women, even just with their language. It's a man's world, and if they put women down enough, then both sides get disenfranchised. It's hard to stand by and watch that sort of thing happen. But I can't let it compromise my own happiness, so I have to pick my battles. My father is one thing. A random stranger is meaningless.



Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

Goodbye, TWC

So.

There has been a lot of stress in my life lately... my job sucks.

And the place I used to go for my fill of e-drama has kind of soured for me.

So. New pledge: no dramas. Live life to its fullest, don't let the assholes get to you.

If you don't like the way you're being treated, then simply refuse to be treated that way.

Alanis Lyrics Underneath



Look at us breaking our bones in this kitchen
Look at us rallying all our defenses
Look at us waging war in our bedroom
Look at us jumping ship in our dialogues

There is no difference
In what we’re doing in here
That doesn’t show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time undressing our bandages
When we’ve the ultimate key to the cause
right here all underneath.

Look at us form our cliques in our sandbox
Look at us micro kids with both our hearts blocked
Look at us turn away from all the rough spots
Look at dictatorship on my own block

There is no difference
In what we’re doing in here
That doesn’t show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time undressing our bandages
When we’ve the ultimate key to the cause
right here all underneath.

How I’ve spun my wheels
With carts before my horse
When shine on the outside springs from illusion
Spotlight on these seeds of simpler reasons
And score born into form, stretching my limit

There is no difference
In what we’re doing in here
That doesn’t show up as bigger symptoms out there
So why spend all our time undressing our bandages
When we’ve the ultimate key to the cause
right here all underneath.

***

Here is a WOMAN who is not afraid to admit that sometimes the problem starts with US.

Sure, there are bigger problems outside ourselves that can make things difficult, but the ultimate power lies within ourselves to be agents of change.

Especially here in the United States, we still have enough freedom and power to live our lives free of the old structures.

You don't like breaking your bones in the kitchen? Then don't settle for a man who won't cook. Or, make it easier on yourself by eating out more. Or simply, refuse to "break your bones" in the kitchen. Cook for yourself, if your man gets hungry, he will fend for himself. And if he divorces you over something like that, then you're better off without him.

Don't jump ship in your dialogues "just to spare his ego". The more untrue you are to yourself and your own needs, the more resentment you will feel against someone else who cannot read your mind.

Be who you are, don't try to put the cart before the horse and completely blame big institutionalized things like Mormonism, etc. Figure out what you want and go and get it. Don't blame others for your problems.

Refuse to play the clique game. If you don't really want kids, don't have them. Look the rough spots full in the face and work to make yourselves stronger because of them... and if you don't like the rough spots, maybe you're not cut out for the relationship.

You always have a choice. Start aiming for what YOU want, instead of doing what society says you should do and want. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you, and don't settle for anything less than the best, whether from yourself or anyone else.

And if you're afraid you'll die, assert yourself anyway. Dying is better than living shackled to something that is oppressing you.

Work from the inside first: make sure that you are being fair and honest and not just milking the system yourself. Be an equal, and expect to be treated as such.

Interesting Song

I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women, it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your side ways glances or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me, it's hard to get a rise

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much?

I'm not tortured by how oft your busy, Cause I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss you me, cause I don't need you to

I'm not needy
I don't get clingy much
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent
Rock solid, stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

So much energy to prove to you
Who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you
I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened
And I don't miss you
Cause I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover
Cause I have a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep Chin Up, Stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?
***

My only commentary is this: I actually AM more rational than most other women, because I can tell when I'm being irrational and if I can TALK ABOUT HOW I FEEL, then the irrationality subsides.

I just remember other relationships where the above lyrics applied to me. I was using all my energy to pretend that it didn't bother me when the other person was obviously lying about "studying" just to get some time away from me. Now, a rational approach may have started a fight, but I didn't want to come off as "needy" or "suspicious", so I downplayed my own emotions and tried to be what I thought guys wanted.

Just wait until you find the RIGHT guy, ladies. There are a very few out there who care about you as much as you care about them, and they will understand when you're a little irrational, and they'll help you get back to a nice rational centered place instead of teasing you mercilessly and threatening to break up with you because of your spurts of hormone-induced rationality.

Fertility means there will be times when women are less rational... a wise man would never suggest that a woman should be less "hormonal" or anything of the like.

Oh, Alanis, how you say the things I was never able to say out loud until now.

Party

So, I had a party this weekend in celebration of my birthday. I would have had it last weekend, but the company was doing inventory and I was the ONLY one out of all my friends there who DIDN'T have to work Saturday night.

So the party was this Saturday night... booze & food, rock band, general bitching about work... No one showed up until like 9:30, but about 5 out of the 25 invited came, and it was a great party. The people make the party, let me tell you.

The cops were called.

We forgot to warn my neighbors about the party and invite them to come... so one of my dick neighbors called the cops for a noise violation. Just a warning, no biggie...but that made the party EVEN BETTER! We put on some Bach and put the ROCK BAND away (This is one of my favorite songs on there, btw), and had a good time.

I was very drunk and so was Alan... it was an awesome little party! Alan's birthday is in two weeks, so we're going to have to save up our livers for that party...not that we feel like drinking at ALL after a party like that.

Woo!

New Favorite Song!

via videosift.com

We've been singing this little song to ourselves for a day now... it's stuck in my head ALL THE TIME! YAY for black mesa and portal!

My hamster is dead.

Apparently so is something else.

Kudos to her for getting out of that situation. Cheaters never prosper, and I know firsthand that she can do so much better.

Chess for two

We got Rock Band this weekend, and although it took me several tries to master the controller, we now have a little band. He plays drums and I play bass. It was frustrating to me at first, because I actually play the bass. The controller was much more confusing than an actual instrument.

Anyway, part of the plan was that I would play videogames with him, since that's his line of work and something he really loves... and then he'd play chess with me, because I love chess.

We played chess last night!! Actually, it was more of a tutorial thing-- I'd discuss possible moves with him and explain the strategy of what was going on. Nobody won, because we stopped playing once he started getting overwhelmed with the possibilities.

It would potentially be more fun for him if the both of us played against the computer-- cooperative games are really more his style.

YAY for chess!!

Heritage grains

So I'm doing a Nutcracker gig this weekend... Alan's coming out to see the first show tonight, and his parents (my future in-laws) are coming tomorrow to one of the shows, probably the matinee!

Also, in other news, Alan and I have discovered quinoa, a heritage grain used by the ancient Incas... it has human-compatible amino acids, real protein included INSIDE the grain! We've been having it for breakfast lately, and it's incredible... it kills hunger for hours and hours at a time, really reliable fuel.

New car smell

So, due to the random creepy guy who asked me out on the street while I was walking to work last Wednesday, I now have a car. So we have two cars now. It's an '05 Chevy Aveo, blue, automatic, used, 40,000 miles. The monthly payment works for us just fine.

I also have a new bass, one that one of the techs at work put together in his spare time, and it needs to be played so it can grow into its sound... and who better to loan it to than me?

Awesome.

Unsolicited memory

So I realize now that there were a few things that were really fucked up about the ex. The one I remembered this morning was the time when I was requested to wake him up, because he was really not good at waking up, because he had an exam or some studying to do in the morning, and I suggested that if he didn't wake up easily, I'd sprinkle cold water on him. He said he'd break up with me if I did so. And he was seriously not kidding. Talk about control and manipulation to the nth degree.

We kind of got in a fight about that, because that's no reason to break up with someone. If you truly love someone, it takes a lot more than water to make you want to break up with them. And even if you're averse to have water thrown on you, you're supposed to say something like, "I appreciate your committment to waking me up, but I don't think I'd like that very much, please don't do that." You don't just say you'd break up with a person because of water. That's like saying "if things don't go exactly the way I want, this is over..." there's give and take. It has to go BOTH people's way, not just one person's way all the damn time.

I was pissed, because what the hell was I supposed to do? If one is to expect their significant other to break it off for some COLD WATER in an attempt to wake their sorry ass up, what the hell can a person count on? Should I expect to get broken up with because I wasn't able to wake them up? Seriously.

I suppose it's a matter of incompatibilty and differing levels of maturity.

Thank god that's all over now.

New favorite song

Tangerines are hanging heavy, glowing marigolden hues
Teasing a half-pale moon
And I feel a pull to the blue-velvet dark and stars.

Pink Magnolia, blushing and coy
Savors the sun while she shines
You've got yours and I've got mine
Together we glide through the
blue-velvet dark and stars

All it takes is a little faith, and a lot of heart

Back and forth we ply these oars
They move in time and get entwined
Green with joy then gray with sorrow
Ripened fruit that falls tomorrow
Filling us with brilliance

Branches are bare with a pulse underneath
Flowering slowly inside
Your hands are warm and my body is wide
To hold all the promise of blue-velvet dark and stars

All it takes is a little faith and a lot of heart
Sweetheart

Huge Migrane

Ever since I got sick last Monday, my synesthesia has been crazy... very vivid, almost overpowering sometimes. This morning I woke up with synesthesia so rich that it showed up in my field of vision... a sure sign of a migrane.

So I stayed home from work today... slept for 6 hours, and the migrane is gone. I'm so glad.

Alan and I are going out to my folks' place in SE Ohio tomorrow and Friday, and then we'll be back in Michigan to hang out with his folks.

We've decided on a small, outdoor wedding. No bridesmaids or groomsmen, not traditional, mostly laid-back and simple. It fits us better than the whole formal hullabaloo, and really, a wedding isn't about the fuss-- it's about starting your life with the one who fits you.

I get to finally meet my sister's husband tomorrow, which is exciting.

Life is good.

Somebody Loved

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved