I figured out how to move past this "failure" feeling.
I wake up every morning at the same time as my husband, make coffee for both of us, take a shower right away. Then I make a list of what housework needs to be done, and come up with dinner for that night. I do the housework right away, then reward myself with something fun.
For 2 hours I search for jobs and send out applications, and once all of this is done, I go grocery shopping if I need to.
I end up feeling very productive and successful-- and I have a 2nd interview with a company this week.
And with the extra time off, I've been pampering myself and trying to shake the pain. The pain has been very bad lately, but I'm doing ok.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
5 months
His death has changed the way I measure time. I still cry at this picture, I still curse the universe for leaving my sister alone when she had been so happy-- she had found her one and only, and then he was swept up by the hands of fate.
Already, though, I find I'm able to live a little more freely. I'm chained less to the sadness, I cry less, I'm less crippled by the sorrow and despondence that accompanied the tragedy.
I can only hope it gets better.
And I hope I can still be a beacon of hope to my sister even as the sadness fades from me.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Fail funk
I have been very depressed lately. Not just sad, unmotivated, stays in bed most of the day depressed-- but angry, crying, uncomfortable, unhappy for no reason depressed.
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm going to do. The thing I went to school for, being a public school music teacher, doesn't seem like it's what works for me. Teaching music? I'm really good at it. Teaching music to a bunch of kids who don't care? For 8 hours a day? Plus no child left behind, plus their parents, plus one of my supervising teachers gave me a B- in my student teaching...I don't think so.
So what do I do? What jobs do I pursue? What's going to make me happy AND make me money??
Why did I get downsized? That totally wasn't fair. I was doing a good job, and I should have been continually rewarded for good, hard work. But no. I was cut loose.
I was really good at that job, too.
Now what do I do? What makes my life meaningful? What is my purpose? I have no purpose. I feel like I fail at everything. My head is screaming at me.
:(
I did send out several applications after failing my second interview with the insurance sales position. Turns out I don't want to starve for a year before making money selling things to people. And 4 of those applications were through a jobpush website, so I was able to see that they accepted my preliminary qualifications, and then I was able to submit references, and then I'll hear back from them. I'm a little frustrated that I haven't heard back YET, but who knows.
I'll continue to feel like a giant fail until I find a job, I'm afraid.
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm going to do. The thing I went to school for, being a public school music teacher, doesn't seem like it's what works for me. Teaching music? I'm really good at it. Teaching music to a bunch of kids who don't care? For 8 hours a day? Plus no child left behind, plus their parents, plus one of my supervising teachers gave me a B- in my student teaching...I don't think so.
So what do I do? What jobs do I pursue? What's going to make me happy AND make me money??
Why did I get downsized? That totally wasn't fair. I was doing a good job, and I should have been continually rewarded for good, hard work. But no. I was cut loose.
I was really good at that job, too.
Now what do I do? What makes my life meaningful? What is my purpose? I have no purpose. I feel like I fail at everything. My head is screaming at me.
:(
I did send out several applications after failing my second interview with the insurance sales position. Turns out I don't want to starve for a year before making money selling things to people. And 4 of those applications were through a jobpush website, so I was able to see that they accepted my preliminary qualifications, and then I was able to submit references, and then I'll hear back from them. I'm a little frustrated that I haven't heard back YET, but who knows.
I'll continue to feel like a giant fail until I find a job, I'm afraid.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Heavy Stuff
I've been dealing with a chronic pain disorder for the past year. I've likely had it for 4+ years. It's called ankylosing spondylitis, and it is responsible for the back pain I've been experiencing for the past few years.
The pain became excruciating with 3 months of my job at Shar. Lifting basses all day, every day, is apparently not good for a spine that cannot move. I had physical therapy, but it didn't seem to help-- my spine wouldn't MOVE. Finally, I got a terrible bout of acute anterior uveitis Sep. 4, just 3 days after my grandfather's funeral (Traveling never sits well with me, and grief causes stress-- not to mention hanging out with my entire extended family, 99% of which is Mormon...). I've had iritis 3 times previously in my life, and while my first specialist was curious as to whether I had other auto-immune symptoms, none of them seemed very interested in getting to the bottom of things.
With this latest eye specialist, they considered my case rather interesting-- the first few times I went in, they had a bunch of doctors and interns come in to look at my swollen eye-- there was evidence of previous scarring from my history of iritis, and I guess it was nice that they were so interested in diagnosis.
But these people went above and beyond. They insisted I get blood work done, a chest x-ray and a TB test. The blood work uncovered the antigen HLA-B27 in my blood cells. This is often an indicator of auto-immune disorders. So it could have meant that I simply am prone to iritis. Or it could be something more.
Let me note that at this point, my lower joints were swelling every night, and the pain was so bad sometimes that I didn't like to walk. My back was aching every night, and I had to put heat packs on it during the work day just so I could do my work.
Then my sister's husband died Sep 18, and my world went into a tailspin. My pain went up, and I decided I had to get to the bottom of this HLA-B27 thing. I read that there are a number of spondylarthropathies associated with the antigen, so I went to my doctor and asked for blood work, any tests that would help us decide what was going on. She sent me for blood tests and x-rays, to a GI specialist (to rule out IBS), and also to a rheumatologist because of the joint pain (it sounded like rheumatoid arthritis to my doc).
The GI doctor told me I had to get a colonoscopy. So the day before Halloween, I was in the hospital. It was very painful for me (they did knock me out, but I kept waking up because the exam was so painful), and they discovered that I indeed had colitis. It was dormant at that point, because I had recently been on steroids to clear up the iritis. Long-term steroid use is generally to be avoided, but I had such relief from all my pain when I was on the steriods. This made me curious... the steriods relieved swelling in my eye, my joints, and apparently my colon too.
The Rheumatologist confirmed the fears that I did indeed have ankylosing spondylitis, and he recommended Humira. But I had to go get MORE blood tests, urine samples, and a gynecological exam to make sure I had no infections.
So this is my basic deal: My immune system is attacking my body. Without Humira, I am a ball of pain that finds it hard to walk. I cannot describe this pain very well, but it's like there is a burning, cold, aching feeling in EVERY ONE of my joints. Imagine your skeletal structure. Feel your knees-- they ache. To move them is excruciating, but to sit with them bent hurts even more. And there's a pulsing, light blue feeling of pain radiating from each joint. Ankles, toes, hips. It hurts to bend down and pet the cat, because your spine won't move. If someone hugs you too hard, it's painful because your ribs won't move. It hurts to breathe. Your sternum has a red-hot pain point at each spot where the ribs join. This makes sleeping nearly impossible. And then the fingers. Pretend you've been a string musician for half your life. And now imagine that your fingers ache. The lowest joint on each finger aches, your wrists ache, and there's this feeling of cold, radiating pain that just sits in the joints and won't leave.
The pain, when unchecked, leaves me feeling very tired and distressed. I become a shell of a person, consumed with pain. I don't want to do anything, I have a hard time finding joy, and I feel as though my youth has been stolen from me.
The Humira, however, has changed my life. Every two weeks, my loving husband gives me the injection in my thigh. And for 10 days following the injection, I have NO PAIN. My appetite goes up, my need for sleep increases, but no pain. It's almost as if I have no disease at all. The 4 days before the next dose is due, I get small pieces of pain- usually my back, knees... sometimes my hands. Those tiny pieces of pain SCARE THE SHIT out of me, because I remember the all-encompassing pain and I DO NOT WANT. But once the dose is in, it takes about 12 hours, and the pain begins to diminish.
The one downside to Humira is that my immune system is now suppressed. So I get every cold I am exposed to. There are other downsides, like risk of stroke, risk of cancer, etc... but I am willing to risk anything in order to have a hope at a normal life.
***
Perhaps the most incredible part of all of this is my husband. His strength and optimism throughout all of this has been amazing. I can recall exes and I know they would not have been so happy-- they likely would have felt trapped when they found out I have this genetic disease. This condition is making me rethink childbirth-- my husband's family has a history of ankylosing spondylitis, too, and I don't know if I want to pass this on to my babies... and then there's the fact that my spine doesn't bend in a normal way... and a woman's spine is designed to bend quite extensively while she's carrying a child, particularly in the last trimester and while giving birth. So I may be doomed to cesarean deliveries if I do have children. Throughout all of this, my husband has been an unwavering bastion of support and love. He doesn't let me get down about the future. He is there beside me, carrying me and waving the flag of victory for me, for us, for our future. He will be here no matter what, no matter how age ravages my body... no matter what.
And that is the best thing of all. It's easy to have faith in myself and my future when my husband is there beside me, every step of the way, empowering, supporting, and loving me.
I am so lucky.
The pain became excruciating with 3 months of my job at Shar. Lifting basses all day, every day, is apparently not good for a spine that cannot move. I had physical therapy, but it didn't seem to help-- my spine wouldn't MOVE. Finally, I got a terrible bout of acute anterior uveitis Sep. 4, just 3 days after my grandfather's funeral (Traveling never sits well with me, and grief causes stress-- not to mention hanging out with my entire extended family, 99% of which is Mormon...). I've had iritis 3 times previously in my life, and while my first specialist was curious as to whether I had other auto-immune symptoms, none of them seemed very interested in getting to the bottom of things.
With this latest eye specialist, they considered my case rather interesting-- the first few times I went in, they had a bunch of doctors and interns come in to look at my swollen eye-- there was evidence of previous scarring from my history of iritis, and I guess it was nice that they were so interested in diagnosis.
But these people went above and beyond. They insisted I get blood work done, a chest x-ray and a TB test. The blood work uncovered the antigen HLA-B27 in my blood cells. This is often an indicator of auto-immune disorders. So it could have meant that I simply am prone to iritis. Or it could be something more.
Let me note that at this point, my lower joints were swelling every night, and the pain was so bad sometimes that I didn't like to walk. My back was aching every night, and I had to put heat packs on it during the work day just so I could do my work.
Then my sister's husband died Sep 18, and my world went into a tailspin. My pain went up, and I decided I had to get to the bottom of this HLA-B27 thing. I read that there are a number of spondylarthropathies associated with the antigen, so I went to my doctor and asked for blood work, any tests that would help us decide what was going on. She sent me for blood tests and x-rays, to a GI specialist (to rule out IBS), and also to a rheumatologist because of the joint pain (it sounded like rheumatoid arthritis to my doc).
The GI doctor told me I had to get a colonoscopy. So the day before Halloween, I was in the hospital. It was very painful for me (they did knock me out, but I kept waking up because the exam was so painful), and they discovered that I indeed had colitis. It was dormant at that point, because I had recently been on steroids to clear up the iritis. Long-term steroid use is generally to be avoided, but I had such relief from all my pain when I was on the steriods. This made me curious... the steriods relieved swelling in my eye, my joints, and apparently my colon too.
The Rheumatologist confirmed the fears that I did indeed have ankylosing spondylitis, and he recommended Humira. But I had to go get MORE blood tests, urine samples, and a gynecological exam to make sure I had no infections.
So this is my basic deal: My immune system is attacking my body. Without Humira, I am a ball of pain that finds it hard to walk. I cannot describe this pain very well, but it's like there is a burning, cold, aching feeling in EVERY ONE of my joints. Imagine your skeletal structure. Feel your knees-- they ache. To move them is excruciating, but to sit with them bent hurts even more. And there's a pulsing, light blue feeling of pain radiating from each joint. Ankles, toes, hips. It hurts to bend down and pet the cat, because your spine won't move. If someone hugs you too hard, it's painful because your ribs won't move. It hurts to breathe. Your sternum has a red-hot pain point at each spot where the ribs join. This makes sleeping nearly impossible. And then the fingers. Pretend you've been a string musician for half your life. And now imagine that your fingers ache. The lowest joint on each finger aches, your wrists ache, and there's this feeling of cold, radiating pain that just sits in the joints and won't leave.
The pain, when unchecked, leaves me feeling very tired and distressed. I become a shell of a person, consumed with pain. I don't want to do anything, I have a hard time finding joy, and I feel as though my youth has been stolen from me.
The Humira, however, has changed my life. Every two weeks, my loving husband gives me the injection in my thigh. And for 10 days following the injection, I have NO PAIN. My appetite goes up, my need for sleep increases, but no pain. It's almost as if I have no disease at all. The 4 days before the next dose is due, I get small pieces of pain- usually my back, knees... sometimes my hands. Those tiny pieces of pain SCARE THE SHIT out of me, because I remember the all-encompassing pain and I DO NOT WANT. But once the dose is in, it takes about 12 hours, and the pain begins to diminish.
The one downside to Humira is that my immune system is now suppressed. So I get every cold I am exposed to. There are other downsides, like risk of stroke, risk of cancer, etc... but I am willing to risk anything in order to have a hope at a normal life.
***
Perhaps the most incredible part of all of this is my husband. His strength and optimism throughout all of this has been amazing. I can recall exes and I know they would not have been so happy-- they likely would have felt trapped when they found out I have this genetic disease. This condition is making me rethink childbirth-- my husband's family has a history of ankylosing spondylitis, too, and I don't know if I want to pass this on to my babies... and then there's the fact that my spine doesn't bend in a normal way... and a woman's spine is designed to bend quite extensively while she's carrying a child, particularly in the last trimester and while giving birth. So I may be doomed to cesarean deliveries if I do have children. Throughout all of this, my husband has been an unwavering bastion of support and love. He doesn't let me get down about the future. He is there beside me, carrying me and waving the flag of victory for me, for us, for our future. He will be here no matter what, no matter how age ravages my body... no matter what.
And that is the best thing of all. It's easy to have faith in myself and my future when my husband is there beside me, every step of the way, empowering, supporting, and loving me.
I am so lucky.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Growth as a Musician
I've been teaching a beginner class on Saturdays--
1: 5-year-old boy violinist
1: 6-year-old boy violinist
1: 11-year-old girl cellist
1: 15-year-old boy bassist
All of the above are from the same family. They have 8 kids and one due Dec 7. Happy family!
And then I have one more:
1: 11-year-old cellist.
They are all beginners... and it is so much fun! I'm learning not to fail boat quite so much, I'm learning to map out my time and save my time and make sure they get essential knowledge... now I just need to add the element of fun!
I'm teaching lessons to the oldest three from this class, as well as a 16-year-old girl bassist. It's a lot of fun for me to see them grow and learn new things in just a half an hour.
***
I've also expanded my "free rehearsals" to the Dexter Community Orchestra, as well as the Ypsilanti Symphony. I find the music more challenging, and the people are much nicer. My role is now one of being the one with knowledge to share. I know a lot about the pieces and the performance styles, as well as technical skills, and I can pass that on to my fellow bassists. I love this role for now, and it will help me get in shape and become a "real" bassist who practices her part until it is perfect.
I've really been lax in my personal development, and all these things I've been doing lately are helping me to grow into myself more.
I love life.
1: 5-year-old boy violinist
1: 6-year-old boy violinist
1: 11-year-old girl cellist
1: 15-year-old boy bassist
All of the above are from the same family. They have 8 kids and one due Dec 7. Happy family!
And then I have one more:
1: 11-year-old cellist.
They are all beginners... and it is so much fun! I'm learning not to fail boat quite so much, I'm learning to map out my time and save my time and make sure they get essential knowledge... now I just need to add the element of fun!
I'm teaching lessons to the oldest three from this class, as well as a 16-year-old girl bassist. It's a lot of fun for me to see them grow and learn new things in just a half an hour.
***
I've also expanded my "free rehearsals" to the Dexter Community Orchestra, as well as the Ypsilanti Symphony. I find the music more challenging, and the people are much nicer. My role is now one of being the one with knowledge to share. I know a lot about the pieces and the performance styles, as well as technical skills, and I can pass that on to my fellow bassists. I love this role for now, and it will help me get in shape and become a "real" bassist who practices her part until it is perfect.
I've really been lax in my personal development, and all these things I've been doing lately are helping me to grow into myself more.
I love life.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Grieving
Last night was the viewing. When we got to the funeral home, we saw the condition of the body, and his face was so swollen and old-man looking from all the swelling his brain had taken... his mother started crying so hard, so they decided we needed to close the casket.
I almost had to leave when I saw him like that. I was having a very difficult time, but Alan had me, and my mom found me and walked outside with us and recounted the story of the accident, how the only part of Michael that sustained any injuries was his head. Both sides of his skull were fractured-- the car rolled 2 times, and every time it rolls, the car compacts, and it was compacting tighter around his head because he was so tall. His brain stem had disconnected from his spine, so if they had been able to keep him alive, he would have been vegetable. Natalie made the decision to turn off the life support, and she finds comfort in the thought that he is still with her, watching over her.
My great aunt Nola came over and told the story, since she had been in the room as Michael died-- she told how when the red light came on, that she could feel his spirit so strongly all around Natalie (like a hug, I like to think) and Nola could also feel the presence of our grandma and grandpa hart (the grandpa who just passed 3 weeks ago). Now, I don't believe the whole "when someone dies the veil gets thin and there is a party with all the spirits who have passed and they welcome the new one home" bullshit. But it is comforting to think that Michael's essence was attempting to hug Natalie, to comfort her and say goodbye.
So those stories made me feel better, we went back into the building and stood by the entrance, greeting people as they came in and directing traffic. I was feeling okay, Alan was right there to make sure I was ok, and then we decided maybe to leave, so we went into the room with the casket and Natalie... and I saw how overwhelmed she was with the number of people.
So I decided to stand there with her for a while. Michael's sister Kelsy was standing with her, and I came over and stood on her other side, Alan right next to me. That's what helped me the most, being able to be right there for her, and being able to be there for the other people who knew and loved and missed and grieved for Michael.
The hardest part was not being so close to the departed. The hardest part was hearing my sister's sobs, as though her heart was breaking, every time someone very close to her and Michael came through the line. I wish I could take all that pain away from her. She is so strong right now, and people keep telling her that, but she doesn't feel strong. She did such a good job. I'm glad I could be there for her, and for the others, to share some of the burden of the grief with them.
Alan and I left when it ended, and we went and found a wonderful sushi place to drown our sorrows with. I am having trouble sleeping right now because I'm so sad. I'm so lucky that my love is still alive. My parents see the way he is with me and feel so grateful and blessed that I have someone like him in my life.
Natalie found the man of her dreams, too, and now he's gone. And you just don't get a second chance with things like that-- they don't make them very often, and the odds just aren't in her favor. And now is not the time for another love, anyway... poor thing. She is speaking at the funeral tomorrow (this morning). I suppose I should go lie down and try to relax a bit.
Thank you for listening, internet.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Death in the family
I was meaning to share these photos. Now this will be the last chance I'll get.
Go to "proofs" and type "hess" in the password box.
The woman is my sister, Natalie. The man is her late husband, Michael Scott Hess. They were married one month and 4 days ago, and he passed away yesterday morning at 6:15AM MST. I was driving to work and my mother called to say Michael had been in a car accident, where the car he was driving rolled over 2.5 times, and he was in critical condition in hospital in Ogden, UT. Both sides of his brain were swollen, but they couldn't put a shunt in because his lungs were both bruised and he wasn't getting enough oxygen.
I let my mom go, hoping that if he could make it through today, maybe he could get a shunt put in tomorrow-- he'd have some BD but would be alive still.
I called my sister Nichole, since I'd heard that she and her husband Jeff were with Natalie there at the hospital. I asked how Natalie was, Nichole said she was doing well, and I started talking about how Michael could make it if he could last today.
"No, no, Mel," she said. "What?" I said, confused. "He can still make it."
"No, Mel, he died 5 minutes ago. Natalie's in there with him."
And all I could say was "OK" ...
I can't believe it.
What would I do? I've only been married 2.3 months myself! What will she do now? They were perfect together, they were going to have such a great life together-- he was sweet and charming and wonderful for her, and he was going to be a choral conductor when he grew up. They were going to laugh and love and have children, and he had JUST gotten a promotion at work, so he could pay rent all by himself for them.
What will she do?
I'm going nuts here. I'm crocheting a blanket for her, it's all I can think of... I've never crocheted before but hell, it's all I can do.
I tried to find a card at the store and they're all wrong. All of them. This is SO SAD and I find myself willing to give up my own life just to have him back for her.
How could this happen?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Healing
So I just bought the new Alanis album.
I love it.
And, you'll be glad to know that the songs that used to make me cry don't have that effect any longer. The past is staying in the past, the heart has finally healed, and a new year is taking up where the one before last scarred me.
I tend to be influenced by the year prior. Without fail, the past year will remind me what happened on that date and I am usually doomed to repeat those emotions.
So the multiple breakups and failed engagements that led to the demise of a single failed relationship had been plaguing me-- up til now.
Now the camera has refreshed, NOW the memories are not so fresh. The lessons have been learned and I am letting go with these songs -- enjoy.
I used to feel this way, and I finally can remember without feeling pain.
Madness
Torch
Simple Together
Not As We
And this one still makes me cry if I'm tired enough:
Goodbye My Lover
I love it.
And, you'll be glad to know that the songs that used to make me cry don't have that effect any longer. The past is staying in the past, the heart has finally healed, and a new year is taking up where the one before last scarred me.
I tend to be influenced by the year prior. Without fail, the past year will remind me what happened on that date and I am usually doomed to repeat those emotions.
So the multiple breakups and failed engagements that led to the demise of a single failed relationship had been plaguing me-- up til now.
Now the camera has refreshed, NOW the memories are not so fresh. The lessons have been learned and I am letting go with these songs -- enjoy.
I used to feel this way, and I finally can remember without feeling pain.
Madness
Torch
Simple Together
Not As We
And this one still makes me cry if I'm tired enough:
Goodbye My Lover
Sunday, July 27, 2008
New favorite song!
One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived
And I'll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy
I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete
One day my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries
I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete
Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done
One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home
I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Icky cold
I have this massive sinus headache and scratchy throat-- and we leave in a day for the honeymoon!
How awesome is that!!
I should really be in bed, but I can't find it in me to just lie down and waste this time-- silly me.
How awesome is that!!
I should really be in bed, but I can't find it in me to just lie down and waste this time-- silly me.
Just Married!
We got married Wednesday night, 6/11/08 at 7:00 PM at a friend's house-- he and his wife were witnesses, and a friend with officiant capabilities read us some vows and helped us sign the papers.
Disney World next week! No work, no homework, just unlimited alone time!
I've never been to Florida, let alone Disney World, so it will be an exciting new experience!
P.S. Married life is just a calmer version of engaged life. I'm so much less worried and nervous. I know he's not going anywhere. I mean, I knew that already, but now I really am not worried.
It's nice to be calm.
Disney World next week! No work, no homework, just unlimited alone time!
I've never been to Florida, let alone Disney World, so it will be an exciting new experience!
P.S. Married life is just a calmer version of engaged life. I'm so much less worried and nervous. I know he's not going anywhere. I mean, I knew that already, but now I really am not worried.
It's nice to be calm.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
New favorite song
There's something ethereal about Landon Pigg's "Falling in Love in a Coffeeshop"... I linked to the original video because embedding is disabled on it, and I really love the tone of the original video. That cellist is pretty good.
It's just, I have memories of what it's like to fall in love in a coffeeshop. It's a great tune, and it describes the way I feel about my future husband... we'd need to call it a "sushi bar," but it's an amazing feeling when the first date goes well. Sometimes it goes so well that you know you're going to love them (and they'll love you back the same way) for the rest of your life, and so you do.
Love is wonderful. It doesn't conquer all, but it is essential.
Enjoy.
It's just, I have memories of what it's like to fall in love in a coffeeshop. It's a great tune, and it describes the way I feel about my future husband... we'd need to call it a "sushi bar," but it's an amazing feeling when the first date goes well. Sometimes it goes so well that you know you're going to love them (and they'll love you back the same way) for the rest of your life, and so you do.
Love is wonderful. It doesn't conquer all, but it is essential.
Enjoy.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Some kind of fairytale...
I booked the wedding venue last week... it's a gorgeous university gardens place, we'll be outdoors by a lake (we booked the auditorium just in case it rains)... the ceremony will be simple, immediate family only, one of Alan's friends will be the officiant, it'll be simple and non-religious, because we aren't. If anything, "secular humanism" describes our school of thought best. Agnosticism is all well and good, but it doesn't say anything about what you are *for.* I'm about the goodness of human beings, and making life better for other humans, "afterlife" be damned.
The reception will be afterwards at his parents' farm, just extended family + wedding folks. It'll be a barbecue, grill-out thing.
My dress came two weeks ago!! I need to find shoes and then I need to get it hemmed, but it's gorgeous! Very clean and simple... I could wear it again if I wanted to!
I need to go to Michael's and get the flowers-- reds, lots of reds. Since we don't have bridesmaids or groomsmen, the flowers will be simple. I'll do them myself! I should also think about favors.
We need to order our rings... he wants a titanium ring, specifically a style called "bumblebee" because it's symbolic of my name... he's so adorable! And I'll get a small 2mm titanium one, since the engagement ring is 4 mm already.
His mom is going to go with me to get my dress fitted-- I love her so much! She's like a genuine mom to me, and I think she's great! She will be very helpful in 5 years when the kidlets come along... until then, she's just so sweet and nice-- not the kind of MIL you have to fight with, methinks. And Alan says she loves me too, so we're all good.
I'm also actively looking for another job-- the premise of my current job is awesome, but my sup is making it increasingly difficult to enjoy myself. **sighs** Oh well.
The wedding is rolling along! I can't wait, but honestly it feels like we're already married and have been for quite some time... when you fit together as well as we do, it's hard to feel scared about the future. We can talk through anything, and we both genuinely care about each other and show it regularly.
Life rocks!
The reception will be afterwards at his parents' farm, just extended family + wedding folks. It'll be a barbecue, grill-out thing.
My dress came two weeks ago!! I need to find shoes and then I need to get it hemmed, but it's gorgeous! Very clean and simple... I could wear it again if I wanted to!
I need to go to Michael's and get the flowers-- reds, lots of reds. Since we don't have bridesmaids or groomsmen, the flowers will be simple. I'll do them myself! I should also think about favors.
We need to order our rings... he wants a titanium ring, specifically a style called "bumblebee" because it's symbolic of my name... he's so adorable! And I'll get a small 2mm titanium one, since the engagement ring is 4 mm already.
His mom is going to go with me to get my dress fitted-- I love her so much! She's like a genuine mom to me, and I think she's great! She will be very helpful in 5 years when the kidlets come along... until then, she's just so sweet and nice-- not the kind of MIL you have to fight with, methinks. And Alan says she loves me too, so we're all good.
I'm also actively looking for another job-- the premise of my current job is awesome, but my sup is making it increasingly difficult to enjoy myself. **sighs** Oh well.
The wedding is rolling along! I can't wait, but honestly it feels like we're already married and have been for quite some time... when you fit together as well as we do, it's hard to feel scared about the future. We can talk through anything, and we both genuinely care about each other and show it regularly.
Life rocks!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Rainy sad day
Today is rough.
My back has been hurting. Thoracic vertebrae numbers 5 through 9 are out of place. They are poking out of my back. This means that from about where my brastrap is, up to nearly my neck, those bones are out of place. And the muscles on either side are FREAKING OUT. My spine looks twisted because the muscles on the right and left side at various points are spasming and pulling in whichever direction depending on the time of day.
So I'm in PAIN. Lots of it. And it's the worst at night, when I lie down to sleep.
When I went to the doctor, she set me up with the spine center, but I don't start therapy until next Monday. That means I have one more week of pain, until I get the spine center consult and probably deal with even MORE PAIN... that's what therapy means-- MORE PAIN until the muscles heal.
So the only way to keep this pain at bay is to take massive amounts of ibuprofen.
This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's affecting my ability to feel certain things.
My libido is just as high as ever, but I can't feel touch the same way. My body just won't respond, probably because it's pumped full of anti-swelling chemicals.
THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END.
***
On another note, the wedding dress is here, and it's lovely. It just doesn't fit me the way it fits the model in the picture... and it's too long. I'm going to need to go to a tailor. That was a mild disappointment, but the dress feels lovely! I'm excited!
I've also booked the wedding venue! July 26, here we come! 130 days to go! I'm really excited.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I know that Alan and I can handle anything together, but I also have this fear that's been drilled into me since I was a child that maybe I'll be a terrible wife. My father once told me that I would never be anything but a second wife because I just wasn't good enough.
So I have some demons going on.
Add to that the fact that I can't control the pleasure I can feel with my body, and I feel awfully trapped in this body of pain.
:(
***
And yet more sads for today:
I found this song (lyrics below if you want to follow along) and it reminded me of what happened a year ago, who I was with and what I almost doomed myself to (a life void of real love), and I'm in this sad depressed funk that is hard to shake.
I'm sad that I ever ended up in a position like that.
But now at least I know better, and I'm in a much better position now. Happies will reign.
Lyrics - "Rain" by Patty Griffin
It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
My back has been hurting. Thoracic vertebrae numbers 5 through 9 are out of place. They are poking out of my back. This means that from about where my brastrap is, up to nearly my neck, those bones are out of place. And the muscles on either side are FREAKING OUT. My spine looks twisted because the muscles on the right and left side at various points are spasming and pulling in whichever direction depending on the time of day.
So I'm in PAIN. Lots of it. And it's the worst at night, when I lie down to sleep.
When I went to the doctor, she set me up with the spine center, but I don't start therapy until next Monday. That means I have one more week of pain, until I get the spine center consult and probably deal with even MORE PAIN... that's what therapy means-- MORE PAIN until the muscles heal.
So the only way to keep this pain at bay is to take massive amounts of ibuprofen.
This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's affecting my ability to feel certain things.
My libido is just as high as ever, but I can't feel touch the same way. My body just won't respond, probably because it's pumped full of anti-swelling chemicals.
THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END.
***
On another note, the wedding dress is here, and it's lovely. It just doesn't fit me the way it fits the model in the picture... and it's too long. I'm going to need to go to a tailor. That was a mild disappointment, but the dress feels lovely! I'm excited!
I've also booked the wedding venue! July 26, here we come! 130 days to go! I'm really excited.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I know that Alan and I can handle anything together, but I also have this fear that's been drilled into me since I was a child that maybe I'll be a terrible wife. My father once told me that I would never be anything but a second wife because I just wasn't good enough.
So I have some demons going on.
Add to that the fact that I can't control the pleasure I can feel with my body, and I feel awfully trapped in this body of pain.
:(
***
And yet more sads for today:
I found this song (lyrics below if you want to follow along) and it reminded me of what happened a year ago, who I was with and what I almost doomed myself to (a life void of real love), and I'm in this sad depressed funk that is hard to shake.
I'm sad that I ever ended up in a position like that.
But now at least I know better, and I'm in a much better position now. Happies will reign.
Lyrics - "Rain" by Patty Griffin
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain
Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
If I could have spoken to the me from a year ago:
I would have told her to stop looking for joy where there was none.
I would have told her that no matter how much it might hurt physiologically, mentally, physically, to lose a love with whom you've seen the future-- that pain goes away. It won't kill you. To go into that future with only potential joy, not real, visceral joy, that is a fate worse than death. It would have been a constant struggle, and now you know.
Teaching drains you. It may not be the best course of action for you right now in your life. Private teaching is where you excel. Think about that, not public school teaching. Your skills will be better utilized in a less public forum.
The pain does ease. Even when you can feel your heart breaking in your chest, even when it hurts to breathe because you're so sad, this pain will go away. You don't need anyone to fill that void. Unless they happen to be "the one."
I'm less than a year out from the events that scarred me emotionally, and I can go weeks without being reminded. This is the worst time for me, I'm coming up on one-year anniversaries of bad events and I am the kind of person that relives the past year in her head. Not healthy, and I'm breaking the cycle a little at a time... but I'm aware that this could be a very bad (irrational) few months. Just knowing this will make it easier to relegate to the "irrational" category and make coping easier.
... I would have given her a hug and told her she could cry all she wanted, that she needed to let people in and let them help her carry her grief.
Things are so much better now! The wedding date is set for the original date, July 26, 2008. We have a venue and guest list set... I ordered the dress today!
Current Music: Celine Dion -- "I Drove All Night"
(Not feeling sad or nostalgic at all-- this song has new meaning now)
I would have told her that no matter how much it might hurt physiologically, mentally, physically, to lose a love with whom you've seen the future-- that pain goes away. It won't kill you. To go into that future with only potential joy, not real, visceral joy, that is a fate worse than death. It would have been a constant struggle, and now you know.
Teaching drains you. It may not be the best course of action for you right now in your life. Private teaching is where you excel. Think about that, not public school teaching. Your skills will be better utilized in a less public forum.
The pain does ease. Even when you can feel your heart breaking in your chest, even when it hurts to breathe because you're so sad, this pain will go away. You don't need anyone to fill that void. Unless they happen to be "the one."
I'm less than a year out from the events that scarred me emotionally, and I can go weeks without being reminded. This is the worst time for me, I'm coming up on one-year anniversaries of bad events and I am the kind of person that relives the past year in her head. Not healthy, and I'm breaking the cycle a little at a time... but I'm aware that this could be a very bad (irrational) few months. Just knowing this will make it easier to relegate to the "irrational" category and make coping easier.
... I would have given her a hug and told her she could cry all she wanted, that she needed to let people in and let them help her carry her grief.
Things are so much better now! The wedding date is set for the original date, July 26, 2008. We have a venue and guest list set... I ordered the dress today!
Current Music: Celine Dion -- "I Drove All Night"
(Not feeling sad or nostalgic at all-- this song has new meaning now)
Sunday, March 02, 2008
New Favorite Song
Where can a sick man go
When he can't choke down the medicine the old doc knows
A specialist came to town, but he stays at home
Sayin', "No one knows, so I don't"
Honey, when in Rome
Where can a teacher go
Wherever she thinks people need the things she knows
Hey those books you gave us look good on the shelves at home
And they'll burn warm in the fireplace
Teacher, when in Rome
Grab a blanket, sister
We'll make smoke signals
Bring some new blood
It feels like we're alone
Grab a blanket, brother
So we don't catch cold
From one another
I wonder if we're stuck in Rome
Where can a dead man go
The question with an answer only dead men know
But I'm gonna bet they never really feel at home
If they spent a lifetime learning
How to live in Rome
***
To me, this song embodies a gripping dramatization of mounting romantic disappointment that builds with real raw sonic youth.
All those ideas you have about how the world ought to work? The happy, egalitarian dreams that plagued your adolescence? Guess what, that's not how the world works. The world is a nasty, hell-bent place, and you will get hurt at least a couple times in your lifetime.
I love the lyrics of this song, but even more, I love the infectious melody-- it makes me want to dance and strut about like a chicken... it's so FUN!
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