I figured out how to move past this "failure" feeling.
I wake up every morning at the same time as my husband, make coffee for both of us, take a shower right away. Then I make a list of what housework needs to be done, and come up with dinner for that night. I do the housework right away, then reward myself with something fun.
For 2 hours I search for jobs and send out applications, and once all of this is done, I go grocery shopping if I need to.
I end up feeling very productive and successful-- and I have a 2nd interview with a company this week.
And with the extra time off, I've been pampering myself and trying to shake the pain. The pain has been very bad lately, but I'm doing ok.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
5 months
His death has changed the way I measure time. I still cry at this picture, I still curse the universe for leaving my sister alone when she had been so happy-- she had found her one and only, and then he was swept up by the hands of fate.
Already, though, I find I'm able to live a little more freely. I'm chained less to the sadness, I cry less, I'm less crippled by the sorrow and despondence that accompanied the tragedy.
I can only hope it gets better.
And I hope I can still be a beacon of hope to my sister even as the sadness fades from me.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Fail funk
I have been very depressed lately. Not just sad, unmotivated, stays in bed most of the day depressed-- but angry, crying, uncomfortable, unhappy for no reason depressed.
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm going to do. The thing I went to school for, being a public school music teacher, doesn't seem like it's what works for me. Teaching music? I'm really good at it. Teaching music to a bunch of kids who don't care? For 8 hours a day? Plus no child left behind, plus their parents, plus one of my supervising teachers gave me a B- in my student teaching...I don't think so.
So what do I do? What jobs do I pursue? What's going to make me happy AND make me money??
Why did I get downsized? That totally wasn't fair. I was doing a good job, and I should have been continually rewarded for good, hard work. But no. I was cut loose.
I was really good at that job, too.
Now what do I do? What makes my life meaningful? What is my purpose? I have no purpose. I feel like I fail at everything. My head is screaming at me.
:(
I did send out several applications after failing my second interview with the insurance sales position. Turns out I don't want to starve for a year before making money selling things to people. And 4 of those applications were through a jobpush website, so I was able to see that they accepted my preliminary qualifications, and then I was able to submit references, and then I'll hear back from them. I'm a little frustrated that I haven't heard back YET, but who knows.
I'll continue to feel like a giant fail until I find a job, I'm afraid.
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm going to do. The thing I went to school for, being a public school music teacher, doesn't seem like it's what works for me. Teaching music? I'm really good at it. Teaching music to a bunch of kids who don't care? For 8 hours a day? Plus no child left behind, plus their parents, plus one of my supervising teachers gave me a B- in my student teaching...I don't think so.
So what do I do? What jobs do I pursue? What's going to make me happy AND make me money??
Why did I get downsized? That totally wasn't fair. I was doing a good job, and I should have been continually rewarded for good, hard work. But no. I was cut loose.
I was really good at that job, too.
Now what do I do? What makes my life meaningful? What is my purpose? I have no purpose. I feel like I fail at everything. My head is screaming at me.
:(
I did send out several applications after failing my second interview with the insurance sales position. Turns out I don't want to starve for a year before making money selling things to people. And 4 of those applications were through a jobpush website, so I was able to see that they accepted my preliminary qualifications, and then I was able to submit references, and then I'll hear back from them. I'm a little frustrated that I haven't heard back YET, but who knows.
I'll continue to feel like a giant fail until I find a job, I'm afraid.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Heavy Stuff
I've been dealing with a chronic pain disorder for the past year. I've likely had it for 4+ years. It's called ankylosing spondylitis, and it is responsible for the back pain I've been experiencing for the past few years.
The pain became excruciating with 3 months of my job at Shar. Lifting basses all day, every day, is apparently not good for a spine that cannot move. I had physical therapy, but it didn't seem to help-- my spine wouldn't MOVE. Finally, I got a terrible bout of acute anterior uveitis Sep. 4, just 3 days after my grandfather's funeral (Traveling never sits well with me, and grief causes stress-- not to mention hanging out with my entire extended family, 99% of which is Mormon...). I've had iritis 3 times previously in my life, and while my first specialist was curious as to whether I had other auto-immune symptoms, none of them seemed very interested in getting to the bottom of things.
With this latest eye specialist, they considered my case rather interesting-- the first few times I went in, they had a bunch of doctors and interns come in to look at my swollen eye-- there was evidence of previous scarring from my history of iritis, and I guess it was nice that they were so interested in diagnosis.
But these people went above and beyond. They insisted I get blood work done, a chest x-ray and a TB test. The blood work uncovered the antigen HLA-B27 in my blood cells. This is often an indicator of auto-immune disorders. So it could have meant that I simply am prone to iritis. Or it could be something more.
Let me note that at this point, my lower joints were swelling every night, and the pain was so bad sometimes that I didn't like to walk. My back was aching every night, and I had to put heat packs on it during the work day just so I could do my work.
Then my sister's husband died Sep 18, and my world went into a tailspin. My pain went up, and I decided I had to get to the bottom of this HLA-B27 thing. I read that there are a number of spondylarthropathies associated with the antigen, so I went to my doctor and asked for blood work, any tests that would help us decide what was going on. She sent me for blood tests and x-rays, to a GI specialist (to rule out IBS), and also to a rheumatologist because of the joint pain (it sounded like rheumatoid arthritis to my doc).
The GI doctor told me I had to get a colonoscopy. So the day before Halloween, I was in the hospital. It was very painful for me (they did knock me out, but I kept waking up because the exam was so painful), and they discovered that I indeed had colitis. It was dormant at that point, because I had recently been on steroids to clear up the iritis. Long-term steroid use is generally to be avoided, but I had such relief from all my pain when I was on the steriods. This made me curious... the steriods relieved swelling in my eye, my joints, and apparently my colon too.
The Rheumatologist confirmed the fears that I did indeed have ankylosing spondylitis, and he recommended Humira. But I had to go get MORE blood tests, urine samples, and a gynecological exam to make sure I had no infections.
So this is my basic deal: My immune system is attacking my body. Without Humira, I am a ball of pain that finds it hard to walk. I cannot describe this pain very well, but it's like there is a burning, cold, aching feeling in EVERY ONE of my joints. Imagine your skeletal structure. Feel your knees-- they ache. To move them is excruciating, but to sit with them bent hurts even more. And there's a pulsing, light blue feeling of pain radiating from each joint. Ankles, toes, hips. It hurts to bend down and pet the cat, because your spine won't move. If someone hugs you too hard, it's painful because your ribs won't move. It hurts to breathe. Your sternum has a red-hot pain point at each spot where the ribs join. This makes sleeping nearly impossible. And then the fingers. Pretend you've been a string musician for half your life. And now imagine that your fingers ache. The lowest joint on each finger aches, your wrists ache, and there's this feeling of cold, radiating pain that just sits in the joints and won't leave.
The pain, when unchecked, leaves me feeling very tired and distressed. I become a shell of a person, consumed with pain. I don't want to do anything, I have a hard time finding joy, and I feel as though my youth has been stolen from me.
The Humira, however, has changed my life. Every two weeks, my loving husband gives me the injection in my thigh. And for 10 days following the injection, I have NO PAIN. My appetite goes up, my need for sleep increases, but no pain. It's almost as if I have no disease at all. The 4 days before the next dose is due, I get small pieces of pain- usually my back, knees... sometimes my hands. Those tiny pieces of pain SCARE THE SHIT out of me, because I remember the all-encompassing pain and I DO NOT WANT. But once the dose is in, it takes about 12 hours, and the pain begins to diminish.
The one downside to Humira is that my immune system is now suppressed. So I get every cold I am exposed to. There are other downsides, like risk of stroke, risk of cancer, etc... but I am willing to risk anything in order to have a hope at a normal life.
***
Perhaps the most incredible part of all of this is my husband. His strength and optimism throughout all of this has been amazing. I can recall exes and I know they would not have been so happy-- they likely would have felt trapped when they found out I have this genetic disease. This condition is making me rethink childbirth-- my husband's family has a history of ankylosing spondylitis, too, and I don't know if I want to pass this on to my babies... and then there's the fact that my spine doesn't bend in a normal way... and a woman's spine is designed to bend quite extensively while she's carrying a child, particularly in the last trimester and while giving birth. So I may be doomed to cesarean deliveries if I do have children. Throughout all of this, my husband has been an unwavering bastion of support and love. He doesn't let me get down about the future. He is there beside me, carrying me and waving the flag of victory for me, for us, for our future. He will be here no matter what, no matter how age ravages my body... no matter what.
And that is the best thing of all. It's easy to have faith in myself and my future when my husband is there beside me, every step of the way, empowering, supporting, and loving me.
I am so lucky.
The pain became excruciating with 3 months of my job at Shar. Lifting basses all day, every day, is apparently not good for a spine that cannot move. I had physical therapy, but it didn't seem to help-- my spine wouldn't MOVE. Finally, I got a terrible bout of acute anterior uveitis Sep. 4, just 3 days after my grandfather's funeral (Traveling never sits well with me, and grief causes stress-- not to mention hanging out with my entire extended family, 99% of which is Mormon...). I've had iritis 3 times previously in my life, and while my first specialist was curious as to whether I had other auto-immune symptoms, none of them seemed very interested in getting to the bottom of things.
With this latest eye specialist, they considered my case rather interesting-- the first few times I went in, they had a bunch of doctors and interns come in to look at my swollen eye-- there was evidence of previous scarring from my history of iritis, and I guess it was nice that they were so interested in diagnosis.
But these people went above and beyond. They insisted I get blood work done, a chest x-ray and a TB test. The blood work uncovered the antigen HLA-B27 in my blood cells. This is often an indicator of auto-immune disorders. So it could have meant that I simply am prone to iritis. Or it could be something more.
Let me note that at this point, my lower joints were swelling every night, and the pain was so bad sometimes that I didn't like to walk. My back was aching every night, and I had to put heat packs on it during the work day just so I could do my work.
Then my sister's husband died Sep 18, and my world went into a tailspin. My pain went up, and I decided I had to get to the bottom of this HLA-B27 thing. I read that there are a number of spondylarthropathies associated with the antigen, so I went to my doctor and asked for blood work, any tests that would help us decide what was going on. She sent me for blood tests and x-rays, to a GI specialist (to rule out IBS), and also to a rheumatologist because of the joint pain (it sounded like rheumatoid arthritis to my doc).
The GI doctor told me I had to get a colonoscopy. So the day before Halloween, I was in the hospital. It was very painful for me (they did knock me out, but I kept waking up because the exam was so painful), and they discovered that I indeed had colitis. It was dormant at that point, because I had recently been on steroids to clear up the iritis. Long-term steroid use is generally to be avoided, but I had such relief from all my pain when I was on the steriods. This made me curious... the steriods relieved swelling in my eye, my joints, and apparently my colon too.
The Rheumatologist confirmed the fears that I did indeed have ankylosing spondylitis, and he recommended Humira. But I had to go get MORE blood tests, urine samples, and a gynecological exam to make sure I had no infections.
So this is my basic deal: My immune system is attacking my body. Without Humira, I am a ball of pain that finds it hard to walk. I cannot describe this pain very well, but it's like there is a burning, cold, aching feeling in EVERY ONE of my joints. Imagine your skeletal structure. Feel your knees-- they ache. To move them is excruciating, but to sit with them bent hurts even more. And there's a pulsing, light blue feeling of pain radiating from each joint. Ankles, toes, hips. It hurts to bend down and pet the cat, because your spine won't move. If someone hugs you too hard, it's painful because your ribs won't move. It hurts to breathe. Your sternum has a red-hot pain point at each spot where the ribs join. This makes sleeping nearly impossible. And then the fingers. Pretend you've been a string musician for half your life. And now imagine that your fingers ache. The lowest joint on each finger aches, your wrists ache, and there's this feeling of cold, radiating pain that just sits in the joints and won't leave.
The pain, when unchecked, leaves me feeling very tired and distressed. I become a shell of a person, consumed with pain. I don't want to do anything, I have a hard time finding joy, and I feel as though my youth has been stolen from me.
The Humira, however, has changed my life. Every two weeks, my loving husband gives me the injection in my thigh. And for 10 days following the injection, I have NO PAIN. My appetite goes up, my need for sleep increases, but no pain. It's almost as if I have no disease at all. The 4 days before the next dose is due, I get small pieces of pain- usually my back, knees... sometimes my hands. Those tiny pieces of pain SCARE THE SHIT out of me, because I remember the all-encompassing pain and I DO NOT WANT. But once the dose is in, it takes about 12 hours, and the pain begins to diminish.
The one downside to Humira is that my immune system is now suppressed. So I get every cold I am exposed to. There are other downsides, like risk of stroke, risk of cancer, etc... but I am willing to risk anything in order to have a hope at a normal life.
***
Perhaps the most incredible part of all of this is my husband. His strength and optimism throughout all of this has been amazing. I can recall exes and I know they would not have been so happy-- they likely would have felt trapped when they found out I have this genetic disease. This condition is making me rethink childbirth-- my husband's family has a history of ankylosing spondylitis, too, and I don't know if I want to pass this on to my babies... and then there's the fact that my spine doesn't bend in a normal way... and a woman's spine is designed to bend quite extensively while she's carrying a child, particularly in the last trimester and while giving birth. So I may be doomed to cesarean deliveries if I do have children. Throughout all of this, my husband has been an unwavering bastion of support and love. He doesn't let me get down about the future. He is there beside me, carrying me and waving the flag of victory for me, for us, for our future. He will be here no matter what, no matter how age ravages my body... no matter what.
And that is the best thing of all. It's easy to have faith in myself and my future when my husband is there beside me, every step of the way, empowering, supporting, and loving me.
I am so lucky.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Growth as a Musician
I've been teaching a beginner class on Saturdays--
1: 5-year-old boy violinist
1: 6-year-old boy violinist
1: 11-year-old girl cellist
1: 15-year-old boy bassist
All of the above are from the same family. They have 8 kids and one due Dec 7. Happy family!
And then I have one more:
1: 11-year-old cellist.
They are all beginners... and it is so much fun! I'm learning not to fail boat quite so much, I'm learning to map out my time and save my time and make sure they get essential knowledge... now I just need to add the element of fun!
I'm teaching lessons to the oldest three from this class, as well as a 16-year-old girl bassist. It's a lot of fun for me to see them grow and learn new things in just a half an hour.
***
I've also expanded my "free rehearsals" to the Dexter Community Orchestra, as well as the Ypsilanti Symphony. I find the music more challenging, and the people are much nicer. My role is now one of being the one with knowledge to share. I know a lot about the pieces and the performance styles, as well as technical skills, and I can pass that on to my fellow bassists. I love this role for now, and it will help me get in shape and become a "real" bassist who practices her part until it is perfect.
I've really been lax in my personal development, and all these things I've been doing lately are helping me to grow into myself more.
I love life.
1: 5-year-old boy violinist
1: 6-year-old boy violinist
1: 11-year-old girl cellist
1: 15-year-old boy bassist
All of the above are from the same family. They have 8 kids and one due Dec 7. Happy family!
And then I have one more:
1: 11-year-old cellist.
They are all beginners... and it is so much fun! I'm learning not to fail boat quite so much, I'm learning to map out my time and save my time and make sure they get essential knowledge... now I just need to add the element of fun!
I'm teaching lessons to the oldest three from this class, as well as a 16-year-old girl bassist. It's a lot of fun for me to see them grow and learn new things in just a half an hour.
***
I've also expanded my "free rehearsals" to the Dexter Community Orchestra, as well as the Ypsilanti Symphony. I find the music more challenging, and the people are much nicer. My role is now one of being the one with knowledge to share. I know a lot about the pieces and the performance styles, as well as technical skills, and I can pass that on to my fellow bassists. I love this role for now, and it will help me get in shape and become a "real" bassist who practices her part until it is perfect.
I've really been lax in my personal development, and all these things I've been doing lately are helping me to grow into myself more.
I love life.
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